We're up on the Fourth of July weekend again but I have no big plans. I'm going to be working half days tomorrow and Saturday rather than take any time off -- I'd rather miser all my leave up and take a real vacation sometime.

The National Do Not Call Registry
Peeping Toms of the 21st Century
Germany likes sex fast
The reeking cat house
Police seek man posing as teenage girl
New file-sharing sites hide users' IDs
Lies about Iraq
Florida man dials 911 too often
Hormel doesn't like the word 'spam'
He Blows Things Up So You Don't Have To
Business Owner Chases, Runs Over Robbery Suspects In Hummer

Museday Tuesday

in which I have thirty minutes to write a thirty second song

Leggier: (adj.) having long, attractively shaped legs My Composition (0:23 MP3)

Old Musedays: Sidelong Moodily Obnoxiously Obsessively Spikiest

I ran out of time ridiculously fast on this one -- slower tempos are harder for me to write under deadline, because I constantly go back and listen to the work in progress. This one's for bar piano, drums, bass trombone, acoustic bass, and harmonica.

In Depends Dance Day

Tomorrow marks the 232nd (we were THIS close!) anniversary of the first time one of our Founding Fathers wore diapers and waltzed around a bonfire. To carry this tradition forward, American society instills this patriotic action in its youngsters at early ages by showing them DVDs such as this one .

The national government also comes to a near standstill as thousands of workers go on vacation while allowing the hemorrhage of bureaucratic money (also known as Fridays). Working for a government contractor means that you get this perk by association -- since everyone on the government side is off on a ten day vacation, there's no meetings to attend or customers to appease.

In the spirit of the Founding Fathers (who did not blog), there will be no updates tomorrow. I plan to spend a good two-thirds of the extended weekend eating things wrapped in bacon, such as bacon, and doing shots of vodka out of bacon-cups (which you then crumple up like a Dixie cup and use to chase the shot).

What are your plans for the weekend, other than entering Mike's Lyrics Contest?

Low Country Boil Day

Invention Day: Amazon''

filling needs the world never knew it needed

Yesterday morning, I ordered some empty photo albums for my current project of archiving ten years of prints still in their one hour photo envelopes. This morning, they were sitting on the porch, apparently delivered in the early hours by some drive-by-night courier service. As a member of Amazon Prime, I find this level of service to be pretty good, but there is so much room for improvement.

What I propose is that Amazon adopt the psychic computer system from the movie, Minority Report, in which crimes were prevented before they occurred. Applying this system to Amazon would allow warehouses to begin boxing up and shipping orders before I even know I need to buy something. Then, once I've clicked the final Purchase button, I can hear a gentle knock at the front door as my goods instantly gratify me.

This would reduce shipping costs for Amazon, since they can begin preparing shipments months in advance and send everything via Media Mail. And, as long as the hive mind of the psychic computer can agree on your purchasing plans, there is no risk of ending up with an embarrassingly labeled box of sex paraphernalia prominently on your porch unless some Amazon employee finds a way to game the system.

This would also allow movie tie-in advertisements for the new Amazon Double Prime: the company could take all of the scenes in which Tom Cruise is running from the police and show him delivering your packages.

Interactive Fiction Day

I've put out a new bugfix release of Augmented Fourth, which is still alive and kicking after 13 years. You might have fun playing it if you're nostalgic for the classic Infocom games, know how to read, and enjoy using ducks as paperweights.

Review Day

There are no major spoilers in these reviews.

Russell Peters: Notorious:
This stand-up session starts strong with some fun racial jokes, but he has trouble maintaining the momentum of his shtick. Eventually, it seems like he just gives up and starts making fun of audience members, which is never as funny as stand-up comics think it is. Free on Netflix.

Final Grade: C

Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive:
Another good stand-up special from Aziz -- I think I liked this one the most of the three, but there was nothing incredible standing out in my memory. Free on Netflix.

Final Grade: B+

Pioneer Pet Stainless Steel Fountain Raindrop Design:
This constantly running water fountain is exactly what I was looking for -- it's easy to clean, runs quietly, and is interesting enough to make our cats drink more water as part of their daily routine.

Final Grade: A

Crown Majestic (Diamond Series V2R) Automatic Pet Feeder:
I tried out this automatic pet feeder to increase our agility at planning short getaways and reducing the amount of cat vomit we return home to (from dumping two days of food in a one day bowl). It's too expensive, overarchitected, loses its schedule memory every time you unplug it, has a useless voice recording system to soothe your cats, and sounds like the gates of Hell when it goes off in the middle of the night. In spite of its many flaws though, it works for the one task that counts -- Booty is unable to steal any food from it or tip it over, even after scratching at it all night long. If you need a pet feeder for a Booty, this is passable. If you need one for a cat that's a little less food-crazy, any cheaper model will probably do.

Final Grade: B-

Almost Independence Day

Enjoy this 4th of July interview from 1991, when I was 11 years old.

Timelapse Day

41 weeks and no baby yet! I start my 6 weeks of leave today anyhow and we're passing the time with nature walks and rare movie theatre trips.

Memory Day: Snapshots

This picture was taken 8 years ago today, on July 3, 2011.

We were at the wedding of Amanda and Frank in Charlotte, North Carolina and in awe of the rare combination of high 90 degree temperatures and coalescing humidity that has now become our daily reality in 2019.

I don't remember a lot about this wedding, other than I really liked the beef, there was sweat everywhere, and Rebecca was disappointed to find that Amanda had put Macarena on the Do Not Play list.

Review Day

There are no major spoilers in these reviews.

Modern Family, S10:
Most of the cast has been flanderized by this tenth season. There are just enough warm family moments or funny jokes to keep it afloat, but it's definitely showing its age.

Final Grade: C+

Knives Out (PG-13):
This is a great, traditional murder mystery that functions well as a 21st century version of Clue. The large cast of characters is expertly introduced in a way that the audience can keep up with who's who, and the clues to the murder of a famous author are placed in a way to allow both solving-at-home and red herrings.

Final Grade: B+

Frozen II (PG):
I gave Frozen a C five years ago although that might rise to a B- now that I watch parts of it regularly with Maia. Frozen II feels like a straight-to-video sequel with most of the songs being forgettable B sides. The story is more abstract and talky than the original, so kids might get bored more easily in the middle stretches. A few chuckles here and there, and way too much Olaf (which Maia loves and no adult does) make this passable entertainment. On the CGI side, though, the water and fabrics look great!

Final Grade: B-

Dark, Season Three:
The final season of this German show is simultaneously too slow and too rushed. The nature of the story and the new wrinkles introduced in Season Two sometimes make it feel like the story is treading water. By the end, I wished that some of that time had been spent filling in the growth and outcome of more supporting characters instead. (That's not to say there are any PLOT HOLES -- just gaps in the massive cast's stories that are never explicitly told because they're not on the main path).

That said, this season is a great testament to shows that plot out how they're going to end before they've begun (RIP Lost). The attention to detail in tying lines of dialogue, camera angles, and other facets back to previous seasons also reveals huge clues from old seasons about how the ending would work out. The first half of the eight-episode season is a little slow and muddy, but the last half is full of plot answers and tragic stories.

The finale manages to satisfy both people looking for science answers and people looking for resolution for the characters (RIP Lost). While it seems to break a few of the show's established "rules", post-show discussion on Reddit helped me appreciate how tightly-knit it actually was. Free on Netflix.

Final Grade: B+ (I gave Season One and Two an A- and A respectively, and would give the series as a whole an A-).

Easy Photos Day

"Take picture in my EAR!"

Ian's first fireworks experience.

Name-writing with sparklers.

Important fire safety techniques.

Guest cat.