Posts from 06/2010

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Weekend Wrap-up

Like a forklift lifting a crate of forks, we decided to use this holiday weekend for its exact purpose, and spent Saturday and Sunday camping at Assateague National Seashore. We left just before 7 on Saturday morning and had a surprisingly traffic-free drive, making it to the beach in about three and a half hours.

Camping was a very pleasant experience, with mild temperatures and high winds to keep the bugs away. We were surrounded by free range ponies and their poop, and spent the first day sitting on the beach. The second day, we rented single-speed bikes with pedal brakes and biked all over the island.

Meanwhile in a fit of self-preservation back home, Booty figured out how to open the child-proofed cabinet containing the cat food and completely devoured what was left inside. Because the bottom inch was several years of accumulated powder, it expanded in her stomach and ended up in six distinct piles of cat vomit throughout the basement.

On Monday, after folding several baskets of camping-induced laundry, we went to an impromptu barbeque at Jack's house, where we ate delicious ribs and chatted with pregnant people.

How was your holiday?

Man admits to vomit assault at Phillies game
Introducing SPANX for men
Drugstore Cowboy, Stuck in a Loop

tagged as day-to-day | permalink | 3 comments
day in history

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Weird Search Day

or "how I stumbled upon the URI! Zone"

It's time for another round of strange Google keyword searches that lead to my site. All of these searches were actually performed by peculiar people over the last couple of months.

  • did totino's change their recipe there are no seeds in it
    At least on the East Coast, Totino's pizzas still have seasoning seeds on them. The only noticeable change is that the packaging now tells you to cook the pizza for three additional minutes, as if that will protect you from the E. coli on the pepperoni.

  • john tesh wedding registry dishes

    Start your marriage off on the right foot by eating green beans off of John Tesh's face.

  • where is josquin phoenix

    After a rambling, incoherent cantus firmus on the David Letterman show, famed composer, Josquin Phoenix, gave up on masses altogether and retired from the public eye.

  • tiger scent markings buttered popcorn
    If tigers have scent markings that smell anything like Booty's anal glands, they definitely do NOT smell like buttered popcorn.

  • grinnell alums on world of warcraft

    Given the paucity of night life in Grinnell, Iowa, I bet that there are plenty of alumni who cultivated a Warcraft addiction in college and continue to play today.


  • Atlantic puffin breading season

    Every season is breading season... with Mrs. Paul's!

  • Kelley Corbett trumpet
    The number of web searches for Kelley Corbett has spiked ever since he won in some recent audition -- this is scientifically expected, because the standard MO for trumpeters who receive second place or lower in any competition is to come up with reasons to trash talk the winner. Since May 27, I've had 32 searches for "Kelley Corbett trumpet" and 1 for "is demolay a cult?"

  • Pa. pair born in same hospital on same day to wed
    Inmates' uniforms make them easy to spot
    Frugal woman leaves behind $4.5M

    tagged as website, searches | permalink | 7 comments
    day in history

    Thursday, June 03, 2010

    Yesterday was a 13-hour work day, so I didn't have time to write today's update. However the topic would have come from the following list:

    1. List Day: 5 People I Regret Ever Meeting

    2. Stuff in My Drawers Day: 10 Years of Walmart receipts

    3. Name That Tune Contest: Third Trumpet Parts in Wind Band Music

    4. Review Day: Ketchup Comparisons

    5. Purrsday Thursday: Pictures of Booty

    The world's strongest beers
    Loyalty takes butler from poor Nepal village to NY
    NC billboard attracts with charcoal, pepper scent

    permalink | 2 comments
    day in history

    Friday, June 04, 2010

    Boy Day

    Yet again, I worked too much yesterday to write a Fragments column (although the steak and the really hard-to-obtain Star in Mario Galaxy 2 returned census forms identifying themselves as "work" too). Rather than try to throw something together now which might diminish the literary value of the site, I'll give you the opportunity to peek in my sister instead.

    Grim Eater banned from funerals
    The classic versions of the Looney Tunes cartoons are no longer played on children's channels because of the violent slapstick comedy.
    Pa. man allegedly stole 300 porn DVDs

    tagged as day-to-day | permalink | 3 comments
    day in history

    Monday, June 07, 2010

    Weekend Wrap-up

    The weekend opened with a bout of high-humidity lawn-mowing on Friday afternoon, followed by a quickly-prepared dinner of shrimp-decorated linguini and other hyphenated deliciousness. Afterwards, Rebecca left for Arlington to be hip with her friends, while I stayed home and relaxed with a few games of Starcraft 2 and some cats.

    We woke up decadently late on Saturday, and spent the afternoon doing responsible things like car washing and trip planning, followed by dinner at Ted's Montana Grill where I had the S.O.B., a bison burger with Swiss cheese, carmelized onions, and bacon. I can't really taste much of a difference between bison burgers and cow burgers, though I suppose the latter is garnished with the tears of American Indians.

    Rebecca and Annie ran in a woodsy 5K early on Sunday morning in Algonquian Park while I stayed home and did some floor cleaning -- scrubbing the laminate floors in the kitchen and foyer, and wiping down years of accumulated cat litter dust in the room with the litter box. Although, it's convenient to keep the litter in the laundry room, it also means that you can't hang clothes up to dry for more than a couple days before they become infused with the scent of clay dust (this is also a good incentive to only wear clothes that can go in the dryer, like any good male should).

    We closed the weekend out with a double-parental barbeque in Alexandria, and then came home and promptly fell into bed.

    Graham cracker bonanza fuels frenzy on Dallas freeway
    Diminutive mayfly makes big splash on radar
    School-Turned-Strip Club Bothers the Alumni

    tagged as day-to-day | permalink | 0 comments
    day in history

    Tuesday, June 08, 2010

    Museday Tuesday

    As part of this feature, which I started in 2007, I compose a very brief work (under 30 seconds) inspired by a randomly generated title from an online word generator. The composition can be for any instrumentation, and could even be a purely synthesized realization that might not be possible to perform in the real world.

    I work on the excerpt continuously for an hour and then post whatever I've managed to complete, even if it's a poorly constructed slum of a song supported by a foundation of droning double stops and abused tubas.

    Invidious: (adj.) causing or tending to cause animosity, resentment, or envy

    My Composition (0:30 MP3)

    This excerpt is written for strings, woodwinds, percussion, vibes, and bass. I was playing around with a two-bar fragment that was phased and unsettled in the first bar, and "fallen into place" in the second.

    N Korea hails development of new 'super drink'
    Dr. Demento show ends after almost 40 years
    Man gets prison for smuggling songbirds in his pants

    tagged as museday | permalink | 1 comment
    day in history

    Wednesday, June 09, 2010

    New Release Day

    DDMSence v1.4.0 is now available for download, and fulfilled the "code something or write something" slot in yesterday's schedule, which was right after the "eat wings for lunch" slot and right before the "take a nap before losing at volleyball by 2 points" slot. I am hoping to find a way to expand my days with more slots, but I enjoy the "sleeping" slot far too much.

    Anti-speed camera activist nabs Bluff City PD's expiring web domain
    Wrold's ugliest dog dead at 17
    BP buys oil spill Google keywords

    tagged as day-to-day | permalink | 0 comments
    day in history

    Thursday, June 10, 2010

    Review Day: Super Mario Galaxy 2

    Mario Galaxy 2 is a great game which really feels like a massive expansion pack to the original, rather than anything new or innovative. If you liked the first game at all, this game is more in the same vein, and you'll like it just as much. As I write this review, I'm 110 stars in, and on the secret levels after the (unexpectedly boring) final boss fight.

    There's very little new graphically, and the gameplay is familiar -- deepened from the first game but not broadened. All 3D console games suffer from horribly implemented cameras, but the "planet gravity" style of this series tends to minimize the innumerable deaths you might blame on the camera. Difficulty walks the line between annoying and frustrating very well, and while levels scale up in difficulty fairly quickly, nothing is overly challenging until the last world. The music is the best part, a perfect mix of fully orchestrated tunes and classics, and the sound is passably good besides the standard annoying Mario whoops on each jump.

    With so much care and polish put into the great parts, it's really disappointing that they've not taken the time to improve the classically bad aspects, most of them UI-based.

    Unskippable Custcenes: While it's true that you can skip certain sequences after you've seen them once, the pace of the game between actual playtime is horribly slow. Each level is accompanied by several seconds of Mario flying through space, or being forced to wander around the ridiculous Mario-shaped spaceship that flies between worlds -- evidently they failed to recognize that the hub was the worst part of Mario Galaxy, and included it PLUS a world map for twice the load times. Now, you return to the hub after each level, wade through four status messages, and then travel from the hub to the world map to go to the next level.

    Conversationally, everyone has tons of useless information to provide, and it appears on the screen letter-by-letter unless you constantly hold a button down. If I see someone who says "I'm a Banktoad!", I'm going to assume that it's a Toad who does some sort of banking and intuitively figure out the rest -- I don't need four bubbles of text on how to deposit my Star Bits.

    I am not 12: Nintendo continues to color in random words and phrases in dialogue, as if gamers are incapable of understanding basic English sentences. Every time Captain Blobbo on the spaceship called Princess Peach "your special one", it felt like he was politely hinting that she may be retarded (and she would have to be to keep getting kidnapped by Bowser). Also, every time you run out of lives (another useless holdover from ancient Mario games), Captain Blobbo tries to calm you down by suggesting that you take a break for a while. DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN.

    The Wii is not a Precision Gaming Console: Don't make a platformer that requires precision spins, and then bind that action to A HAND SPASM. Give me a button (and a wired controller) so I don't spin off the world when I have to scratch my nose. Also, when you include a timed minigame where you have to stomp on 100 enemies, then place those enemies in a poorly differentiated 3D plane where you can't tell if you're going to land on top of them or in front of them, let me change the camera to be higher up!

    Lava Blows: It always has, but ever since Mario 64, lava has caused Mario to bounce around the screen in a nearly uncontrollable scatter drill. Being able to take three hits is irrelevant when your first contact with lava is likely to drop you back in the lava two more times. This game actually makes me hate lava more than I hate ice.

    Final Grade: A-, in spite of the annoyances

    Woman jailed for using 911 as a date line
    Canada grilled over "half-baked fake lake" at G20
    Cafe claims world's biggest burger

    tagged as reviews, games | permalink | 6 comments
    day in history

    Friday, June 11, 2010

    Friday Fragments

    advocating getting knocked down rather than knocked up since 1962

    ♠ It's proposal season at work, and my advancing years at the company mean that I actually have to get involved this time around, so website updates may occasionally fall back on a clip show over the next couple of weeks. I do feel good about my proposal skills though, since the last effort I was involved in went off without a hitch, or maybe with a hitch.

    ♠ Government contract proposals would be much more interesting if the competing companies could face off in a Survivor-style challenge, with last company standing receiving the contract. Something like "The Bachelor" might also be interesting, but would probably lead to bad SEC-like publicity.

    ♠ Speaking of creatively bankrupt reality shows, Wednesday's TV section in the Post listed a show about spoiled wives, followed by bridal weight loss and a woman who gave birth on a boat without knowing she was pregnant. As a bonus, there was also a show about finding worms in places you'd never imagine.

    ♠ Personally, if there were worms in places I'd never, ever expect worms to reside, I think I would be okay with never, ever discovering that they are there. It's the same blinder mentality that allows me to be okay with that senior guy at the office who never washes his hands after urinal usage -- I don't really need to know what he's touching after he leaves as long as I remember never to greet him with a handshake.

    ♠ I am generally a handshake greeter by default, but have found that being married requires you to convert into a social hugger. Apparently, it isn't seemly for a single guy to hug other people's wives, but it's quite alright to lay the foundations for a swingers' club and hug all the women once you're married.

    ♠ Plans for this 12 of 12 weekend include the wedding of one of Rebecca's cousins in Alexandria, a hike up Old Rag, and a mortar mix of overtime work cementing everything together. There may also be a Caption Contest coming up next week to whet the wit of my readers who've been left with half-assed entries for much of the past two weeks (and this trend is not likely to lessen while I'm in on-the-job training next week).

    ♠ Have a great weekend!

    Big Cats Obsess Over Calvin Klein's 'Obsession for Men'
    Lightning Kills Tenn. Woman Before Proposal
    Restaurant tells eaters to eat up or else

    tagged as fragments | permalink | 0 comments
    day in history

    Monday, June 14, 2010

    Chad Darnell's 12 of 12

    7:34 AM: Waking up early to do some work.

    9:56 AM: Shaving for today's wedding.

    10:38 AM: Girls eating breakfast (.com)

    1:12 PM: After dropping off Rebecca (who was in the wedding), I stopped by my parents' house to eat their food. My mom did not wish to be photographed.

    2:04 PM: Rebecca the Bridesmaid

    2:06 PM: Flower girls

    2:15 PM: Vows in 90 degree heat

    2:27 PM: Recessional

    3:57 PM: Flower girls at play.

    4:32 PM: He's considering it.

    5:18 PM: Eighty people in a room tends to reduce the efficiency of the air conditioner.

    8:53 PM: After we got home, we were too pooped to make anything good for dinner.

    See more 12 of 12ers at Chad's site!

    Man in SWAT standoff married "too damn long"
    Driver jumps the toll -- literally.
    The Freegan Establishment

    tagged as 12 of 12 | permalink | 3 comments
    day in history

    Tuesday, June 15, 2010

    Caption Contest Day

    The picture below was taking from Reuter's Pictures of the Month and is the subject of this month's caption contest.

  • Invent a funny, insightful, or witty caption for this photo and submit your caption to me using the email link in the top bar by Monday the 21st at 6 PM EST. (Limit 2 per person).
  • Examples can be seen in last year's contest involving shapeshifting tubas and Barack Obama here. Last year's winner was Katie Morton.
  • I will post the submissions next Tuesday (June 22). Entries will be voted on by Zone readers and the winner will receive a $15 gift certificate to (there may be second place prizes depending on turnout). I have the final say in ties, cheating, and suspected sabotage.
  • Man who dug space under home sues city
    Chinese farmer declares war on property developers with homemade wheelbarrow cannon
    Dogs, like teens, can't think for themselves

    tagged as contests | permalink | 0 comments
    day in history

    Wednesday, June 16, 2010

    List Day: A Training Timeline


    • 7:30 AM: Arrive for the 7:45 class.

    • 8:10 AM: Class has not yet started.

    • 8:30 AM: I have learned that the instructor is Canadian and has four daughters who got an award for dancing or something.

    • 8:40 AM: I have learned that the CEO of the training company is leaving to go to Costco now.

    • 12:00 PM: 20 Powerpoint Slides complete at lunch time. We are still in the "Overview" section and have not started Chapter 1.

    • 1:00 PM: Back from a lunch of leftover Cornish game hen.

    • 2:00 PM: I come to the dramatic realization that this week-long course has been, and will continue to be, a pure lecture-based training and eat some chocolate-chip muffins.

    • 5:00 PM: Break for the day. We have gotten through 72 more slides and are halfway through Chapter 1. I have learned that spam is "unrequested or unsolicited junk mail". Thank goodness the company is paying for this.


    • 8:30 AM: Day Two of the Languorous Lecture of Lethargy commences. We still have 44 slides left in Chapter One.

    • 11:00 AM: Chapter One complete! Five more chapters to go by midday on Friday.

    • 12:00 PM: Chef Boyardee for lunch. I have now completed 70% of an online version of this same class. Thank goodness for laptops.

    • 1:30 PM: I eat a bunch of grapes.

    • 3:30 PM: I eat a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

    • 5:00 PM: We get through the first 72 slides in Chapter Two. I learn that the Extranet is the part outside the Intranet.


    • 7:30 AM: For giggles, I count the slides remaining in Chapter Two. There are 110 left in this chapter, and roughly 300 left in the booklet. It's time for a chocolate-chip muffin.

    German student attacks Hells Angels with a puppy
    'Touchdown Jesus' struck by lightning
    Elephants using trunk road to block US Team

    tagged as lists | permalink | 3 comments
    day in history

    Thursday, June 17, 2010

    Oh, the things it must have seen on its trip around town!

    Squatters cozy up in mansion
    BP Hires Mercs to Block Oily Beaches
    Penis protest rises to greet Russian economic forum

    tagged as random | permalink | 2 comments
    day in history

    Friday, June 18, 2010

    Friday Fragments

    celebrating a Kelley-free Virginia, at least for a couple more months

    ♠ Sorry for the delay in writing this noise -- I was busy getting the CompTIA Security+ certification this afternoon after eating a leftover steak n' cheese half from Omia's. After doing so many practice questions from horribly edited exam books, I made out with a 97%. I try to get a new certification every two years ago to prove that I am dearly invested in my career and staying current.

    ♠ The biggest pet peeve I have about the certification prep industry is how poorly written every "cram"-style book is. In the cheap book for this certification, over 30 questions had incorrect answers, and most were English constructs barely passable for a Chinese takeout menu.

    ♠ It's been a while since I had Chinese takeout because it doesn't really excite me anymore. I always want to get eggdrop soup, but since it doesn't reheat well, I usually fill up on it and have no room left for the cashew chicken. Plus, I still believe that duck and things with pancakes involve too much effort for the amount of return you get from eating.

    ♠ Speaking of food, tonight is sushi night! Plans for the weekend involve a birthday barbeque for Rebecca with burgers, hot dogs, and pony rides, followed by tons of sleep to make up for the week in training limbo. I might even take a nap as I type this.

    ♠ Have you submitted your entry for Tuesday's Caption Contest yet? They're due by Monday. Have a good weekend!

    Illinois singer hits the lowest note
    Short people got no reason to be flight attendants
    Cops find naked drunk men covered in mud

    tagged as fragments | permalink | 3 comments
    day in history

    Monday, June 21, 2010

    Weekend Wrap-up

    The only event on the calendar for this past weekend was a potluck barbeque for Rebecca's 27th birthday, which offered us a much-needed escape from the overly-planned weekends so far in June. We grilled burgers, dogs, and kabobs and played games of badminton, cornhole, pool, and Imaginiff in weather that was surprisingly accomodating -- though it was still over 90 degrees, the backyard and deck remained shady under what passes for a forest around here.

    On Sunday, we did very little beyond relaxing and eating unhealthy leftovers, and also started in on the fifty-plus beers which were left unconsumed at the barbeque (probably because Rebecca's friends are lightweights).

    Have you submitted an entry for the Caption Contest yet? The deadline is this evening at 6 PM, and I've already received 8 entries from 6 readers, virtually guaranteeing the existence of a second place prize.

    Man who lost arm comes out ahead with a new furnace
    Campbell Soup recalls 15M pounds of Spaghettios
    Woman with monkey-phobia savaged by monkeys

    tagged as day-to-day | permalink | 1 comment
    day in history

    Tuesday, June 22, 2010

    Caption Contest Day

    We had a surprisingly successful turnout for this month's Caption Contest -- so much so that I cut a few "second" entries that were too similar to others. Vote for your favourite using the Poll in the sidebar of this site by Sunday, June 27, at 6 PM.

  • First Place: $15 Gift Certificate to
  • Second Place: $5 Gift Certificate to
  • Third Place: $1 Gift Certificate to
  • Runner-Up: Hugs
  • The winners will be announced on the following Monday, and all of the entrants will be given proper credit for their entries. Should there be a tie for first place, I will cast the deciding vote. Ties for the other places will just result in extra prizes! Hooray!

    tagged as contests | permalink | 14 comments
    day in history

    Thursday, June 24, 2010

    Review Day

    There are no spoilers in these reviews.

    The Big Short by Michael Lewis:
    This book on the 2008 mortgage crisis had some potential, but never fully drew me in. The author falls into the trap that Michael Crichton faced in some of his later books: jumping between a gaggle of main characters that rarely interact with each other, resulting in a set of disjunct vignettes and names on a page. By about 2/3rds through the book, I was just reading to finish it -- the writing is good, and the explanations of the more obtuse concepts are as clear as they could be, but it just didn't make me want to read it.

    Final Grade: C-

    Lost on Planet China by J. Maarten Troost:
    This is the third in Troost's set of travel books, and I liked it more than Getting Stoned with Savages but less than Sex Lives of Cannibals. On the plus side, the story is more cohesive than the previous book, and a good dose of historical writing ties his trip through China together from beginning to end. As a minus, his entire reason for leaving his family at home and wandering around China for a couple months seems like a shabby excuse to write a travel book, and it's used more to set up the action rather than to provide a purpose for each of the sights he visits. This book also could have been trimmed by a hundred pages or so without many tears.

    Final Grade: B

    How We Operate by Gomez:
    This CD is an earlier release from Gomez, whose CD, A New Tide I reviewed last month. It's catchy, over 50 minutes long, and lacks any whiny indie songs. Definitely a good pick for $4 from Amazon Marketplace.

    Final Grade: A-

    Costco's Kirkland Mickey Mouse Chicken Nuggets w/Whole Grain Breading:
    These chicken nuggets may have gotten a high score from Consumer Reports, but they break the "everything is good at Costco" mold by tasting peculiar. The innards are not whole chicken pieces or obviously processed -- instead, they contain some sort of hybrid that's too rough tasting to be a McNugget but not flavorful enough to be from Wendy's. The breading gets crispy, even in the microwave, but this requires that each nugget come imbued with too much oil, which seeps through multiple paper towels while cooking. Stick with the Safeway brand chicken strips which are only slightly more expensive but actually taste good.

    Final Grade: D

    Chatroulette Plans Penis-Recognition Algorithm to Block Pervy Users
    Woman sets office on fire to go home early
    French prisoner a little sketchy on the anatomical details

    tagged as reviews | permalink | 4 comments
    day in history

    Friday, June 25, 2010

    Vacation Day

    This is me on my day off with our new Kindle.

    Have a great weekend!

    iPhone signal strength drops... if touched
    California whooping it up
    Parent brawl erupts at CA kindergarten graduation

    tagged as day-to-day | permalink | 5 comments
    day in history

    Monday, June 28, 2010

    Caption Contest Results

    Congratulations to the following winners of this month's Caption Contest!

    • First Place ($15): Chris Smith for Entry #3
    • Second Place ($5): Steve Morton for Entry #9
    • Third Place ($1): Katie Morton for Entry #14
    • Runner-Up (Hugs): Mom for Entry #6

    Sam Edwards will also get a $1 consolation prize, because I left his entry out of the voting pool. Thanks to everyone who participated!

    #1: Doobie #2: Anna #3: Chris Smith
    #4: Annie #5: BU #6: Mom
    #7: Evil Mike #8: Groovymarlin #9: Steve Morton
    #10: BU #11: James #12: Mom
    #13: Anna #14: Katie Morton #15: Evil Mike

    Oracle Octopus picks Germany to beat England at Cup
    Acrobatic and mean-spirited raccoon blamed for outage
    Motorcyclist collides with bear on NJ highway
    Which entry should win the June 22 Caption Contest?

    1 (1 vote, 5.0%)

    2 (0 votes, 0.0%)

    3 (5 votes, 25.0%)

    4 (0 votes, 0.0%)

    5 (1 vote, 5.0%)

    6 (2 votes, 10.0%)

    7 (1 vote, 5.0%)

    8 (0 votes, 0.0%)

    9 (4 votes, 20.0%)

    10 (0 votes, 0.0%)

    11 (0 votes, 0.0%)

    12 (1 vote, 5.0%)

    13 (1 vote, 5.0%)

    14 (3 votes, 15.0%)

    15 (1 vote, 5.0%)

    tagged as contests | permalink | 4 comments
    day in history

    Tuesday, June 29, 2010

    Museday Tuesday

    As part of this feature, which I started in 2007, I compose a very brief work (under 30 seconds) inspired by a randomly generated title from an online word generator. The composition can be for any instrumentation, and could even be a purely synthesized realization that might not be possible to perform in the real world.

    I work on the excerpt continuously for an hour and then post whatever I've managed to complete, even if it's a poorly constructed slum of a song supported by a foundation of droning double stops and abused tubas.

    Fusty: (adj.) Saturated with dust and stale odors; musty

    My Composition (0:30 MP3)

    This excerpt is written for miscellaneous patches, including the jazz scat samples that tend to turn out more creepy than jazzy when I apply them in my music.

    Tennessee promoting new moonshine-NASCAR trail
    Pet turtle causes taxiing plane to return to gate
    Mexican singer El Shaka killed after denying his murder

    tagged as museday | permalink | 0 comments
    day in history

    Wednesday, June 30, 2010

    End-of-the-Month Media Day

    I've added this month's new photos to my Picasa album. Congratulations on surviving for the first half of 2010 without bankruptcy, kidney failure, or severe disfigurement! May the second half be just as magical.

    Trapped drunk driver pops another one
    School district tests rife with errors
    Library to use shame as a porn repellant

    tagged as media | permalink | 0 comments
    day in history


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