Thursday, February 02, 2006

After ten months of scientifically calibrated poll questions, I have come to some interesting conclusions about the visitors of the URI! Zone. People often answer the biweekly poll which appears twice a week in the sidebar, but the results of each poll are usually added to the archived post without fanfare.

Since most people don't go back to old posts very often, here is a smattering of the philisophical questions I've asked since the Poll debuted last April. I have already sent this information to several mass-marketing firms along with your social security numbers. If they like what they see, I promise I will give you 5% of the profits.

Conclusion: Zone visitors are either married or not planning on it, which is good because they would all have their weddings in the Fall and that's when football is. Zone visitors will be instrumental in reducing the rate of population growth around the world.

Conclusion: Zone visitors have an illogical fear of their ceilings and are afraid that it will fall on them if they slumber while looking up. Visitors like to see me lose my cool and write angry vitriolic posts. BU SMASH!

Conclusion: Zone visitors are very pragmatic down-to-earth folk who don't realize that their office mate has been dead for thirty years and always hitchhikes home at midnight on the night they got shot, leaving behind their jacket in the back seat. 5 of 11 Zone visitors are constantly on the move, evidently evading the law in some capacity. It's likely that those visitors killed their office mate for being annoying.

Conclusion: Zone visitors do not make good drinking buddies, as they will embarass you when someone tells a joke and they bray like a mating donkey. Then they will get up on the bar and do the Electric Slide until the part where they step backwards, falling off the bar and knocking themselves out against a tap. Then you will have to take them to the hospital but you will be incapable of driving because of the drinking, so you will have to throw them over your shoulder and run through the streets of Miami, because that is where you went drinking. What were you thinking?

Conclusion: Zone visitors would suck in the Super Bowl -- they would never score because all they would do is execute lateral passes and not notice that the clock is ticking down and the fourth quarter has been over for twelve minutes and everyone has gone home. Except Kim, who would have written "Fourth quarter ends after fifteen minutes" in her planner and highlighted it in pink. She would already have gone home for hot chocolate, causing the quarterback to get sacked on the blitz.


Conclusion: Chompy would overwhelmingly beat Kirsten Dunst in a popularity contest because the average Zone visitor is an underachieving under-30 visitor rich off of their family strip mining fortune who has nothing better to do than visit my site all day long and play web sudoku. Get a job, slackers.

Conclusion: Zone visitors are highly organized and methodical, but not very flashy in public. They have a low risk of getting assassinated on the street or running for President, so they will live much longer than the average human.

Killer bees join list of hazards of Florida living
But the door-to-door tattoo salesman seemed so trustworthy!
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