Friday, August 19, 2005

Friday Fragments

  • I don't find Gatorade commercials refreshing in the least bit. When I see famous and not-so-famous athletes sweating profusely and the sweat seems to caramelize into M&Ms of salty bodily fluids, I don't think, "Oh boy, that is refreshing. I shall have to try drinking some Gatorade so I too can sweat in pastels." I just think, "That's pretty gross." If the Tidee Bowl Corporation ever invents a diuretic, I sincerely hope they don't show famous people peeing blue pee. I suppose a laxative, "Tidee Bowel" would have an even worse commercial. How the heck do you spell Tidee Bowl anyhow?

  • Speaking of commercials, here's a funny Milk commercial forwarded to me by Anna: (1MB WMV)

  • Lost: Season One on DVD in 18 days. I will be watching the entire thing again before the next season starts, so if you've never watched it, you should definitely join me for a Lost party, complete with funny jungle drinks and tiki umbrellas. I still haven't finished the second season of 24, but I blame Anna who moved out before our watch-TV-and-workout cycle ended. I've also heard good things about a show called Firefly which is currently sitting in my Amazon cart with the eight million other products that catch my interest daily (luckily I don't end up buying most of it). To round out the TV portion of this fragment (read: the whole damn thing), I will probably pick up the second season of Arrested Development and the first season of Scrubs someday, and I really wish they'd get around to releasing the rest of Malcolm in the Middle which has been entangled in music licensing issues for years now.

  • The first roller coaster I ever went on was the Loch Ness Monster at Busch Gardens with my mom and Michael Buns. This was in ninth grade, because I was not tall enough for any of them until that year. The last roller coaster I went on was the Top Thrill Dragster in 2003 . It was fun but not worth the three-hour wait. This fragment came about because I was trying to perfect a phrase similar to "beats you about the head and shoulders more than riding on the Anaconda at King's Dominion" and started thinking about roller coasters. The fragment which would have used that phrase did not make the final cut of my post. Sorry to disappoint.

  • The Anaconda really does kind of suck though.

  • There's no stronger evidence of how stupid people are than reading about the clowns who chose to drive on the Woodrow Wilson Bridge last weekend solely because the previous construction warnings did not result in any gridlock (see Figure A). The reason there was no traffic last time was because morons like you stayed home. Moron. In keeping with a recently popular theme of this site, I think the Department of Transportation should have distracted the gridlocked drivers with roadside exotic dancers, in a show aptly called, "Tits and Asphalt".

  • Christopher Walken Runnen for President in 2008 . Yes, I know it's fake, but that would be a very awesome election. I would definitely be torn between voting for Arnold or Walken, regardless of their respective platforms, and such a race would actually compel me to watch a few debates in the months leading up to the election. When it comes to politics, I usually watch just enough to glean a few out-of-context remarks which I can then make fun of on my site and then turn the TV off.

  • This weekend, I'm helping someone move from the third floor of one building to the sixth floor of another building (see Figure A). Does this count as moving a total distance of nine floors, or just three floors (since the potential energy of boxes going down the stairs cancels out the energy going back up)? I need to know so I can generate the invoice and charge heftily for my services. Who needs College Hunks Hauling Junk when you've got Brian Uri! in a Hurry? It's time to put those Hooters-biker muscles to work.

  • Notice how many references I made to older news posts in the previous fragment. That's called "pandering to the faithful audience". It makes you feel like this site is worth visiting religiously because otherwise you might miss out on some in-jokes. I want to go to the discotheque, but I'll probably be out back smoking crack with Zulfin. Greece.

  • I wish more words rhymed with Uri!. There really aren't many, even though the exclamation point is silent.

  • If you don't already read it, The Superficial is a very funny celebrity news site . I've never picked up an entertainment rag at the supermarket, but I used to read Entertainment Weekly online all the time until they got greedy and started charging for accounts. I find the ridiculous situations celebrities get themselves into like a train wreck that you can't look away from, albeit a very beautiful train wreck with gold rims on the wheels. It's almost addictive -- someday I'd like to become famous, just to see how all these crazy celebrities got that way. Would I donate my baby to the Kaballah and shun psychiatrists too?

  • Ruby Tuesday is back to advertising their big fatty burgers rather than healthy entrées . I think this is an excellent strategy, since I want to go to a restaurant with great tasting food, regardless of how healthy it is (see Figure A). I'd like to see a restaurant with the balls to say "our food is so unhealthy that pig-fat will ooze out of every porous inch of your skin, but damn is it good!" -- a restaurant where they're willing to cook your steak so rare that it could be the MacGuffin on an episode of Duck Tales with no stretch of the imagination. I would eat there every day and await the watershed date in 2012 when the National Institute of Health suddenly discovers that fatty food actually defends against heart disease (and also protects you from skin cancer).

  • I have a new song to make fun of at all times. It's M.I.A's Bucky Done Gun, some atrocious dance tune from the U.K (371KB MP3). I would almost rather hear another one of U2's musical genocides than hear this song one more time. Speaking of U2, they should really get a Mulligan which teleports them back to the early 90s when they had good songs.

  • You may have noticed that today's post has been elegantly illustrated with fast pen sketches. Every figure is Figure A, because I'm giving you only the finest in pen and ink illustrations. My readers are too good for the B list.

  • I'm almost out of Post-It Notes. However, I am willing to auction off the originals of my sketches, with the proceeds going to a new pack of Post-Its. These sketches are exceedingly rare, even rarer than my painting, Blue Bus From Hell, but you can own one for only twenty-five cents each. What a bargain!

  • I like Fridays. I try to work a little extra during the week so I can call the game on account of rain around noontime and leave work early (this is really not hard to do when you arrive between 6 and 6:30 every day). Friday is also the day I get a two-piece meal (with fries, dark meat, and mild seasoning) from Popeyes on the way home. Didn't Popeyes used to have an apostrophe? And what happened to Popeye as store mascot? Regardless, it's an afternoon of tasty treats. After lunch I relax by doing random tasks which involve some kind of puttering within or without the house.

  • Have a good weekend, and I'll see you next week!

  • Virginians slug it out for $50 laptops
    Why mom should not be your getaway driver
    An innovative approach to the dating game

    Yesterday's search terms:
    jane ire, bryan richards murdered, "how to avoid huge ships" weird, annoying five for fighting chase commercial

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