From last night's State of the Union address, I learned that the representatives of our country are excellent clappers, although there was no occasion for them to demonstrate their "two and four" clap. There was one guy about three rows back who cheated -- he stood up with the crowd at every standing ovation, but kept his hands in his coat pockets. The clapping even came in a variety of styles, ranging from a broad low rumble to a more raucous pub-style, punctuated by jolly 'attaboys whenever the Pee Wee Herman word of the day was heard up front. It's a shame that none of the billions of dollars was directed towards congressional skin-care, as such voracious clapping is bound to chafe and be detrimental to the epidermis.

In another surprise twist, President Bush did not elect to bring in a green screen to set up behind the podium. It must have been terrifying for him to stand up there and realize that people would actually be listening to the words coming out of his mouth, without cute slogans highlighted in the background.

Of course he gave an excellent motivational speech, hitting all the high points at the proper time and appealing to the souls of the common man despite his insistence on repeating the old claptrap numbers supporting his tax changes. Among the high points of the pomp was the point when he discussed giving aid to Africa for HIV and the cameras instantly panned to the distinguished black gentleman in the front row for reaction shots, because of course, all black people in America commute from Zimbabwe.

Later in the evening, he decided to nonchalantly toss Iran back into the axis of evil, evidently banking on the fact that the American majority would fail miserably if there were an alllooksame.com for the Middle East. I almost expected him to get cocky from all his overt support and throw France and Germany in too. They're not real countries, you know.

If the United States goes to war with Iraq without the support of the UN (or against its wishes), it will just confirm the views of hostile entities that the US is an arrogant and ignorant country that's still trying to play by superpower rules, and next time, it might not just be a single terrorist cell on the offensive. Is it really worth that risk for some oil? Probably not.

Especially if Bush expects us to believe that he's going to sink 1.2 billion dollars into clean-air cars.