Friday, August 12, 2005

Friday Fragments

  • I buy the 50-bag variety pack of snack chips at Costco which I then keep in my office to snack on for a month. The worst part of these packs is always the Nacho Cheese Doritos -- they have no real taste, and why eat Nacho Cheese when you can eat Cool Ranch? Apprently I'm in the minority, because there's always twice as many bags of these chips as there are any other type. My feelings changed this morning when I half-heartedly tore into a bag (you have to spread them out so you don't end up eating nothing but Doritos in the last week of the month) and discovered that they've changed the flavour. Now, Nacho Cheese Doritos have a very mild zing to them which greatly improves their quality. The Cheetos and Fritos are still better though.

  • A man is sitting in the lobby munching on a wheel of cheese when a starving bandit snatches it away and makes a run for the door. The man shoots to his feet and yells, "Hey! That's nacho cheese!"

  • Sorry.

  • On Wednesday, I couldn't decide what to have for dinner and I had no cheese, so I cooked the last half of a pack of bacon and two soft-boiled eggs. Booty came up to me and said, "Hello, I would like some of your bacon, sir." I ignored her so then she said, "I'm going to sit on your newspaper until you give me bacon. You will never know how this story turns out because you cannot turn to page A21. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?" I then pushed her off the coffee table and she punched Amber in the face for no good reason. Amber said "Ow, you bitch" and both cats went tearing down the hall away from my bacon.

  • You can always identify a cat-liker because they tell stories involving their cats. You can always tell who the cat-lovers are because they make up cute dialog for what the cats are thinking during the story.

  • Instead of further whining about Tatu, I've decided to devote some energy to improve their dolphin-speak. I have found the perfect song for them to license instead of the Smith's How Soon Is Now. It's John Cage's legendary song, 4'33" . I would definitely buy the single and play it all day long.

  • There's a local company called College Hunks Hauling Junk . "You're not a real man until you go to the dump," Suzuki said. "That's my philosophy". I approve of the rhyming couplet approach to naming a company. Fashion designers opening outlet stores could be "Fops With Shops" and Florida-Mike could call his web design business "Non-Jewish Whites Making Sites". If I ever get around to starting my own record company, I would probably call it "Post Grad Stud Producing Duds" and payola my way into an Ashlee Simpson hit. Incidentally, I loved when she got boo'ed for her halftime performance last year, but I really wish the audience had gotten violent. How ironic would it have been if her career had ended with Pieces of Me? All over the stage?

  • One of the reasons I like J.J. Abrams shows like Lost and Alias is that he spends a lot of camera time on the faces of his actors. With good actors who aren't just phoning it in, this gives an added layer of subtlety to the emotions of the characters. I don't think this would work as well on a show like The Simpsons, but if anyone could do it, it'd be J.J.

  • In the movies and on TV, there are specific camera procedures that must be followed when the protagonist is looking for something out of the ordinary. First, you film the actor from behind as he enters the storage room or graveyard (the most popular places to find stuff). The actor will pretend to be at a loss, and glance in all directions. At this point, you fast-edit to a camera on the actor's right, usually at ground level looking up. From here, the actor will look straight ahead (the thing is never there), then look to the right past the camera (never left!). The actor will then squint a little bit and realize that they've found something. The camera cannot cut away until the actor has milked the dumb expression on his face and starts walking towards the treasure, doohickey, or tombstone. For added artistry, the actor will shine the flashlight directly at the camera before finding the object.

  • I like to take pictures of weird cloud formations and I don't know why. Usually I delete the pictures without ever posting them. On the way home yesterday, I saw a cloud that looked like a perfect 3D imitation of Goofy's head and face. I didn't have a camera though, so why would anyone believe me?

  • Last night we went to TGIFriday's for dinner where I had some tasty chicken fingers. There was a time when I disliked any breaded chicken products that weren't fake and from McDonald's, and when I wouldn't even consider dipping in anything other than sweet and sour sauce. This must mean I'm all grown up.

  • Tomorrow, I'm signed up for two separate poker games spaced four hours apart in opposite ends of town. Sunday, I have fun lunch plans and then I'm hosting a birthday party with the family for my sister. Monday, I'll be onsite at DISA in Bailey's Crossroad to support some testers. I have no plans yet for Tuesday but I expect them to involve the disabling of a nuclear device. If not, then maybe I'll just take a very long afternoon nap. Naps are key.

  • I also need to go shoe shopping this weekend. The soles fell off my running shoes at the first company soccer game in May and I still haven't gotten around to buying a new pair. This has led to the discovery that my brown shoes are the most comfortable shoes in the history of shoes, but it doesn't really help when I want to wear shorts outside, unless I'm going for the Japanese School Boy look.

  • On my way to work today, my elbow was itching from a hanging thread on my sleeve. I looked down to pull it out and saw that it wasn't really a thread -- it was a little albino spider pretending to be a thread. After driving off Wiehle Avenue and into a ditch, I killed it. If I go into encephaletic shock this evening and you need to make the antidote, the spider is probably somewhere on the floor mats, cooking in the Friday heat. I did not actually drive into a ditch -- that was a hyperbole. Hyperboles are key, because without them this site would be dull and only have boles, and really, no one likes tree trunks that much.

  • Here's a news story about a double bigamist who got caught when all his wives visited him in the hospital . If there are three wives, "double bigamist" seems like a rather confusing term. Maybe "Double Bigamist with Cheese" or "Supersizamist" would be better. Speaking of marriage, I sincerely hope that my future wife, wherever she is out there, does not turn out to be a blood relation . One more reason to like Caucasian girls!

  • Is my site guy-friendly or girl-friendly ? I think I fit both categories. Now all I need is an Ebert-esque figure to proclaim, "The URI! Zone is popular with the ladies!"

  • I think I need a haircut.

  • Yesterday's search terms:
    random vomit, urisat, tulsa welding school, bear hunting handicapped chompy

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