Wednesday, January 17, 2007

List Day: Ten New Ways to Deal with the War in Iraq

  1. Film a complicated dramatization of victory, similar to the supposedly fraudulent moon landing videos from the 1960s, and then post them on YouTube (THE source for news in 2007). Once it has been widely disseminated, quietly withdraw the troops.

  2. Buyout Rand McNally and Google Earth, adjusting the latitude and longitude of Iraq by 15 degrees, making future troop deployments arrive somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Bank on American laziness and expect them to go home without trying to locate the real Iraq.

  3. Continue to distract the American public with paparazzi photographs of Britney Spears in various states of pantylessness until such a time that a better solution can be found.

  4. Claim the country as a United State territory and deport anyone without naturalization paperwork or a birth certificate to Iran, (then invade Iran next year).

  5. Launch a Sunni-Redneck foreign exchange program to transplant refugees from the war-torn region with unemployed residents of Alabama and Mississippi, quelling the civil unrest.

  6. Tell President Ahmadinejad of Iran that Kim Il Jong called him fat, and tell Kim Il Jong that Iraq has luxury items imported from the U.S. Watch the Axis of Evil destroy themselves without our intervention and then claim the victor as a country of serfs in our futile system.

  7. Drop siege tanks on their cliffs and burrow lurkers in their base to deny them resources.

  8. Outsource all the menial jobs to Iraq, simultaneously ending Iraqi unemployment and American immigration woes.

  9. Hold an elite USO show for the Iraqi people, including Carrot Top, Pauly Shore, Gilbert Gottfried, Bjork, and Dick Cheney, to show them the virtues of being a good Westerner.

  10. Keep the country in a perpetual state of unrest, providing newspapers with one more "slow news day" story to go with "gas prices rising", "it's getting hotter", "traffic getting worse", "politicians corrupt" and "Montgomery County scared of sex ed".

Happy Birthday Robin Langridge!

Lost' creators: We know where we're going
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