Thursday, September 04, 2008

Weird Search Day

or "how I stumbled upon the URI! Zone"

I thought it would take a few months before I had another worthy batch of search engine queries to post, but less than two weeks have passed since the previous installment and the denizens of the Internet have already proven their disturbing natures. Here are 7 real search engine queries that led the unwitting curious to my page. Since this post will now draw more readers interested in the same subjects, I've done what I can to appease their requests.

  • does frankie muniz sleep shirtless?
    Correspondence with Muniz' agent has revealed the exclusive fact that Frankie Muniz, star of Malcolm in the Middle and My Dog Skip, not only sleeps shirtless, but also races his fancy sports cars without any pants on. "If your willy's not chilly, your racer's just a pacer," said Frankie of his antics. The actor's favourite food is "jello with a hot dog in it" and is rumoured to be engaged in an tempestuous affair with Kelly Osbourne.

  • pictures of girls that are 5'2 and 120 pounds
    Here is a newspaper clipping of the 1996 Girls' Lightweight Boat at T.C. Williams. Crew lightweights are the only girls on the Internet that are guaranteed to appear as advertised, since the tell-all Livestock Scale on Race Day would be sure to reveal their lies and disqualify them.

  • "kathy hanna" kroger
    This sounds like a Craigslist Missed Connection if I ever heard one, although I don't know how Kelley Corbett's wife found a Kroger in Brooklyn. Regardless, here is text of the ad as it might appear on Craigslist: we laughed in the produce section after i admired your melons. you didn't know kroger sold firearms until i showed you my guns. it's obvious your trumpet playing husband will never make it big. i'm like the lighthouse. COME TO THE SHORE.

  • gagged with a bandana
    According to last week's poll about funny fruits, this search query would have been 100% funnier if it were "gagged with a banana". It might stem the visitors and cause my counter to slip, but I would find it much more appeeling.

  • magnet uri porn
    For a limited time, you can buy my pornographic refrigerator magnets online at $5.99 per five inch magnet. Each one is carefully laminated and glows in the dark.

  • les miserables why are they fighting at the 5th section?
    If you put the fighting in an earlier section, you ruin the pace of the plot. They didn't show Jaws in the beginning of the movie for the same reason.

  • I want to plan a simple Super Mario themed birthday party for my 7 year old twins:
    • Buy two plungers and call it a day.
    • Bake a square cake with yellow icing and paint a question mark in it. Then have the firstborn twin smash his face into it (make sure there is a gold coin inside).
    • Put the family turtle on the second step and have the kids stand on the bottom step. Tell them they will get extra points if they keep on jumping up and down. To be humane, the turtle need not ricochet back and forth.
    • Prefix MARIO onto every item in your household and refer to them by name throughout the day. Later, your Mario Husband can take the Mario Kids out of the Mario Party and go to the Mario Playground.
  • Suspected car burglar gets a dirty dumping
    Blame your marriage woes on your husband's genes
    Game of 'Beat the Dog' harder than it seems

    tagged as website, searches | permalink | 2 comments


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