Friday, November 18, 2005

Friday Fragments

Like a rainbow of joy in your mouth, except you can't eat it and it's not particularly colourful

  • A very strange weather front went through our area on Wednesday. We didn't get any rain, but an ominous stain of thunderstorms rushed by on the horizon all day long, in a hurry to get to the Northeast like a stampede of hungry office workers who have just gotten an e-mail saying that there's free food in the kitchen. The end result of this strange cloud migration was that temperatures dropped near freezing, and it is now far too cold to do anything but sleep and sit in front of space heaters. I really need to buy a new fleece soon -- preferably one that zips up rather than goes over your head, because the latter kind always screws my hair into unkempt whorls like Jay North's in Dennis the Menace.

  • The only review I ever wrote on Amazon.com is now one of the two Spotlight Reviews. I'm well on my way to becoming a full-time reviewer! Some day you will read me in your local paper as the new Ebert, except that I'll probably have to come up with a new system of voting which does not involve thumbs. Maybe I can use arm flab.

  • They bulldozed a forest near my house to make a gigantic parking lot for the local mosque. The new lot is easily going to double the capacity of mosque-bound cars. I'm not sure how this is useful, because 90% of the people who are leaving the mosque after worship are incapable of such basics as driving, turning, signaling, or not parking in a lane of traffic. They are all very good at opening doors into the through lane though. Someday, I would like to just hit a door and keep on driving with the door on my hood. Then I could sell my car as a work of avant-garde art called "Religion In Accord".

  • When I went to vote, I saw a beat up car from the 90s with two portable DVD screens tied to the backs of each seat, so the two rugrats in the back could watch their Teletubbies for the duration of the trip. I think this is a little excessive -- they should have saved that money and gotten a better car first. I saw these DVD screens again a few days later in an SUV. I can see the use of these screens on long trips (my kids will play video games all the way to Nag's Head when I am a dad) but it seems somewhat soul-deadening to turn them on for every tiny cross-city trip you take.

  • Speaking of driving, I saw an SUV get into an accident with a cart-return stand at Target the other day. Some clueless soccer mom got into her black Suburban which was parked immediately adjacent to the metal stand where you leave your cart (unless you are from Northern Virginia, in which case you park the front two wheels on a grassy knoll and run away before it rolls back into traffic). She started the car, turned her wheel all the way to the right, and then gunned it, sideswiping the cart stand in the process. This is why they teach you to roll forward as you leave a parking spot, to give yourself a wider turning radius. The cart stand ended up askew across another parking spot and the Suburban sported a basketball-sized crater in the passenger door. The driver then parked and ran out to inspect the damage, and then looked at the cart stand with that blame-shifting look that says "Why would they put a cart stand in a place that I wanted to drive?" Then she looked around to see if anyone had seen her and I waved.

  • AOL tried to add two bots to my buddy list -- computerized programs that you talk to like normal people when you need help shopping or looking for movies. I promptly deleted that bull crap and got a message from AOL saying "Hi, we noticed you deleted our bots." Hi, your bots blow like Birdo.

  • They must be really struggling for ideas in the yearly Mario Party franchise, because Birdo has a starring role in Mario Party 7. She has no voice, and just runs around the board with her gaping orifice. She can't even shoot eggs anymore. I guess she felt underutilized in the Mario mythos and demanded more screen time. I didn't even know Birdo was supposed to have any kind of gender, which is probably why they put a big red bow on top. See, girls like red and play with dolls or something.

  • This weekend, I'll probably do some shopping and come into work for a few hours (so I can get a few things done before the real Thanksgiving) and then I'm having another dinner on Sunday night for people from miles around. Only 36 days until Christmas! What do you want me to get you?

  • Have a good weekend! Some of you clowns still aren't on the reader map yet.

  • Tyson dinner ends in mass brawl
    I didn't flash anyone even though they fired me for flashing
    Spear said the suspect then colored on his genitals with a highlighter from the company's table

    Yesterday's search terms:
    ikea bed missing dokka midbeam, stories of alpacas unwanted, uri naked girls, fitness madesimple theme song, college hunks junk, humour and gordon korman

    Xylophone is spelled with an X. It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will make writing Christmas easier. And you will mark the spot. And you will incidentally start Xylophone. Are you happy now, you f_cking X?" - Mitch Hedberg

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