Monday, June 11, 2007

List Day: Ten Things I Still Don't Understand

I still don't understand...

  • ...why people need minivans and SUVs to transport a family of four. In my day, we squeezed into cramped leather Chevrolets for day trips, and getting the seat-belt-branding on a hot summer day was a rite of passage.

  • ...how people can get indignant over a national politician funded by huge corporations, when no one can reach the national level without playing the funding game.

  • ...how kids today can get through even a single day of block scheduling without falling into a self-defensive coma.

  • ...Why legitimately famous people get their panties in a knot over the paparazzi. If you haven't figured out by now that movie stars sacrifice their privacy for fame and millions of dollars, then trade places with me. I'll be glad to smile for the cameras while I shop at Trader Joe's if it means I can have enough money to pimp out a Winnebago. I might even stage a nipple slip for you.

  • ...why we have weathermen.

  • ...Why gas is sold using nine-tenths of a cent. My dad explained it to me millions of times as a kid, but each explanation just left me more confused than before.

  • ...how animals whose primary sense is smell can enjoy meeting new friends by sniffing their asses.

  • ...why The Fray is such a popular group when the lead singer sounds like a whiny labradoodle and all their songs are alike. (Incidentally, my forthcoming how to learn French book is going to be called How to Say Valise).

  • ...why all parents expect their kids to tell the entire story about their day at school or Pottery Camp when the kid probably has no interest in talking about something he or she just went through.

  • ...how parking at the Air and Space Museum Annex in Chantilly can still cost $12 and no one is complaining. If I'm going to pay that much to visit a free government museum, the Enola Gay had better be dropping some steaks or women in my lap. Or women with steaks.
  • Don't forget, tomorrow is 12 of 12!

    Cops kick the wrong groin in
    City cancels annoying performance ads
    Man pays underage girls to feel a little prick

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