Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Ballad of the Master Bedroom0

This is the tale of the master bedroom,
the largest of spaces with plenty of headroom.1
I first moved in in the spring of 04,
the curtains infected, and AIDS on the floor.
Through multiple scrubbings and hands raw and red,
the carpet stayed stained so I hid it with my bed.

Fast forward a year to July, near the end.
I shared my house with Anna, Kathy, four cats (and Ben).
With money from work, there was no need to scrimp,
so I bought me some furniture, suitably pimp.
Black walnut trim was both suave and naughty,
and perfect for helping me uri a hottie.

Another year passed and the foliage changed,
but I couldn't see it, and felt quite estranged.
We built in a window, overlooking the rear
so I could enjoy the forest and spit on the deer.
(No sign of Bambi amidst all the cedar,
just a neighbour, a UPS guy, and the meter reader).2

The next step was painting, and you can't go astray
with a sale down at Sears on PUFFIN BAY GREY.3
I coated the walls and then went to the beach
oozing streaks on the trim like a medicinal leech.
With masking tape and fine-toothed comb,
the trim soon looked like a model home.

This weekend past came the final phase,
removing the old carpet to set it ablaze.
I replaced it with a carpet of Berber
which only rhymes with Gerber or maybe James Thurber.
The Oyster style was out of stock
and I had to make due with Road of Rock.4

So once again, I live in my own room
and the window eliminates much of the gloom.
Below you can compare the before and the after
and respond with either envy or laughter.
Or you can help me on my next quest:
To find out what drapes will look the best!

0: The author would like to warn you at this time that this could be the worst ballad in the history of ballads.
1: The author is quite short.
2: The author does not actually spit on blue-collar workers. This is called poetic license.
3: The author would like to recommend that PUFFIN BAY GREY always be capitalized, for emphasis and humour.
4: Rocky Road style looks just like Oyster style, but with a slightly more random pattern.

Happy Birthday Tammy!

Now all they need is a Lord of the Rings remake, for the good of the world
Beware the mysterious Penis Exploder
AOL Searcher No. 4417749

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