List Day: Ten Things About the Custom Home I Will Build When I'm a Millionaire

1. It will be built at the edge of a nature preserve in a suburban area, so the streets are still plowed when it snows but I have no neighbours except for deer and cougars. There will be a Costco, a Best Buy, and a grocery store chain within a twenty minute radius.


2. It will have a secret passage opened with a wall sconce or a false bookshelf, and the passage will lead to a secret room whose windows you can see from the outside. This will be the study.


3. It will have two floors and a finished basement, and will have two staircases at opposite ends of the house, so kids can play Cops and Robbers style games without any dead ends. Those are the coolest types of houses to play in.


4. It will not have any of those retarded yuppy ceilings -- it will have normal ceilings like the houses from the 1970s which I can touch if I jump really hard and have a broom in my hand.


5. In the basement, there will be a one-lane bowling alley with pinsetter, a pool table, and an air hockey table. Foozball is for wimps. I will also pay off the National Park Service to put an 18-hole mini golf course in the backyard. Every hole will have at least one animated obstacle like a windmill.


6. There will be a fireplace in the den, and I will have grizzly bears on the nature preserve trained to collect firewood so I don't have to.


7. The master bathroom will be as big as a bedroom and have both a shower and a jacuzzi tub. The toilet will be Internet-ready, and there will be a fully-wired sound system around the tub.


8. It will have an attached garage to protect my Honda from the elements, and the garage will have a freezer full of steaks.


9. It will have at least one upstairs room that opens up into a downstairs room via a balcony. This balcony may or may not have a fireman's pole to jump down quickly.


10. It will have a small guest suite in the basement which I can rent out for low low prices to my indigent and transient music major friends.

Happy Birthday Maureen Fish!