Game Day

There seems to be a recent makeover frenzy surrounding classic board games deemed too slow-paced or spiffy for modern audiences. The latest casualty of this is everyone's favourite game, Clue. From the cosmetic side, the staid British guests are replaced with a movie star and a football player among others, while the lead pipe has been dropped for the equally logical "set of dumbbells" (which is apparently easier to find in a spa or a home theatre).

Because kids today have the attention spans of fruit flies with cancer, Clue is now shorter, with the guests having special superhero powers to help solve the murder faster. Other cards have the possibility of eliminating players as suspects completely.

This isn't the first childhood memory obliterated by the board game industry. Life introduced mid-life crises, shattering my deeply-ingrained understanding that the only way to succeed in the world was to be a doctor (being a teacher would leave you broke on the side of the road with four pink pegs in the station wagon). Monopoly eliminated cash, training youngsters that all purchases should be made with a credit card on a minimum balance.

At this rate, it won't be long before every game has been updated for the 21st century. Here are a few others we'll probably get before long:

Risk: The next world war will be decided solely with nuclear weapons, so each confrontation is fought with seven attack dice versus a single two-sided defense die (also known as a coin). Whenever the US gains new troops, they must immediately be deployed to the Middle East for six turns.

Sorry: Pieces now travel on a counter-clockwise path -- as soon as they leave the Start zone, they travel up the Finish path.

Battleship: Every ship in the box is now a double-wide, increasing the chances of a successful hit. If no player has won in fifteen minutes, players swap game boards.

Trivial Pursuit: The Geography, Arts, and Science categories will be replaced by Types of Sheep, Prime Numbers, and Foods that Begin with the Letter Q, respectively. Instead of requiring 6 pie pieces to win, players compete for two pieces of a hot dog: the dog and the bun.

Labyrinth: All the holes in the maze have been removed except for the last one. For better reading comprehension, the game will be rechristened as Tilty Mazey.

Chess: All pawns are replaced with queens. Instead of the classic black versus white confrontation, all pieces will be the same mulatto colouring, with sides determined based on ability.

Connect Four: Rechristened as Connect Two.

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