Monday, August 11, 2008

List Day: Five People You See On Bike Trips

  • The next Lance Armstrong: He owns all the latest in biking gear, and looks like the missing link in the evolution of the Wheelers from Return to Oz. His constant quest is to fetalize himself to the point where his ass is actually higher in the air than his head (some actually bike with their heads between their knees). Has a bike bell because "shouting 'on your left' is tiresome when you PASS EVERYONE LIKE I DO and wastes precious oxygen".

  • 5'2" runner with disproportionate upper body: He's trying to compensate for being short by bulking up, but his morning cocktail of steroids and Flintstones multivitamins has given him shoulders like Jersey barriers and legs like balloon animals. In an attempt to even out his physique, he runs as hard as he can down the bike trail, pumping and grunting like a Neanderthal gas station attendant in Jersey. He's only running so fast because he'd lose his balance and tumble if he slowed down -- it's hard to balance all that beef.

  • Weekend Warrior: Nowhere near the next Lance Armstrong, but might be the next James Lance Bass. Can't quite afford the latest and greatest gear, and doesn't go very fast, but makes sure to leave the top two inches of his racing suit unzipped so a mushroom cloud of out-of-control chest hair can say hello.

  • Moving Target: A variant on the Weekend Warrior who's been left with the kid by his shopping wife. He tosses the kid in a rickety trailer of death hooked to his back wheel (because the best scenery on a bike trip involves looking at daddy's ass for an hour) and then drives across intersections outside the crosswalks and dares cars to hit him.

  • Slow and Steady: Two well-meaning but out-of-shape women who were probably running about three miles ago, but have since given up and started gossiping. They walk hip to hip across their lane (so one is always slightly in the way of oncoming traffic) and travel slightly faster than a filibuster. May make disapproving sounds similar to frightened chickens when you try to pass them on the left.
  • Don't forget that tomorrow is 12 of 12!

    Repair shop hacks users' webcams
    Screensaver reveals new test for synaesthesia
    Cloner Dogged by Sex Scandal
    Who would win in a bike race?

    The Roadrunner (3 votes, 42.9%)


    Lance Armstrong (1 vote, 14.3%)


    Cartman on a Tricycle (1 vote, 14.3%)


    Mayor Fenty on Uppers (2 votes, 28.6%)


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