Monday, May 21, 2007

Sequel Injection

This summer, the theatres have been, or will be, graced with such works of art as Spider-Man 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Harry Potter 5, Shrek 3, The Bourne Ultimatum, and (I'm not kidding about this one) "Live Free or Die Hard" starring a 52-year-old Bruce Willis. Just last week, Blizzard Entertainment announced that their new blockbuster game would be Starcraft II -- not Diablo 3 as some people expected (or Warcraft IV or World of Warcraft II for that matter).

There's something very comforting about a sequel: people are happy that they can return to a world or story that they loved without too much heavy thinking, and studios are assured that they can break even on their investment, even if the entire movie is a grainy cell phone movie starring a drunk hobo named Hal who happened to be sleeping behind the sound stage one night.

Although sequelitis has had an iron grasp on the movies and games industry for many years now (see also, the upcoming Police Academy 8), there seems to be a few other areas of life where sequels could find a welcome home.

Board Games: In the sequel to Candyland, Gloppy the Molasses Monster is suicidal and threatening to leap from Gum Drop Mountain. The six coloured cards are now various Crayola shades of red and green (to emphasize to young children that the world cannot easily be split into absolutes): burnt sienna, raw umber, brink pink, fuzzy wuzzy brown, mahogany, and beaver.

Music: If the movie studios are allowed to release a third Weekend at Bernie's movie, then I should be allowed to take one of my musical compositions, add a countermelody, and call it a sequel. Why struggle and slave for five seconds of new, usable material when you already have a proven score? Tchaikovsky's 1813 Overture, now with more cannons!

Religion: Have you read and reread the Bible to the point where you could tell Paul from John, or a Corinthian from a Doric with your eyes closed? Ever wondered what the lives of Oreb and Zeeb might have been like had they not been beheaded? Then try the New New Testament, now on CD so you can listen to it in your car (your choice of narrators: James Earl Jones, Patrick Stewart, or Kathy Griffin). "Noah's back, and now he's pissed!"

Politics: Actually, I think someone already beat me to this.

A bad case of summer movies
Shipwreck yields $500M haul
Power station to harness the sun's rays

tagged as random, mock mock | permalink | 3 comments


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