Tuesday, October 03, 2006
List Day: Ten Random Road Trip Thoughts
Escaped hamster interrupts jet flight Idiot Baggie gets passenger detained Dodders have bad taste in host plants
- There's a commercial bus line called LAMERS. At first glance, the website emblazoned on the side of the bus could have been a one-word last name of the company founder (www.golamers.com), but it turns out to be a positive, upbeat, Special-Olympics-style cheer for people who are lame. No word on whether or not you must be this lame to ride, but I bet the company is missing a huge target market: sports teams could charter the bus line to ferry visiting teams to and from their stadium -- yes, I have the maturity of a twelve-year-old.
- People in Delaware and New Jersey actually slow down to the posted 10 MPH in EZ-Pass / Smart Tag toll lanes, an outdated local practice that I discovered while simultaneously testing out my anti-lock brakes. The last time anyone went lower than sixty miles an hour in a Virginia toll lane was the week when the Post revealed that all the toll cameras were fake and everyone wanted to see for themselves.
- I don't know what exactly you do in a Truck Climbing Lane, but I hope it's something like the Physical Challenge from Double Dare.
- You can tell that your company's fleet of trucks is exceeding the emissions laws when the thick black smoke emanating from the
wet dungeon walls exhaust pipes curls through the air and projects a solid shadow on the ground below the truck. Then again, the likelihood that New Jersey has emissions laws is roughly equal to dying from a Flying Donkey Tiger Punch to the neck.
- There's a name for everything in New Jersey -- I did not stop at the Joyce Kilmer Rest Area on the way to the wedding, but I'm sure it would have been a poetic experience. With a little cash I might be able to get something named after me. A rest stop's probably too expensive, but someday you might drive past "Brian Uri!'s Mile Marker 94". I'd buy 222 but I don't think Jersey is big enough to have one.
- I have dubbed my blue suit, my "wedding suit", because I only wear it to weddings now that I'm no longer a performing
monkey musician. I can provide a chronological history of the suit based on the wedding programs in the right pocket which, on Saturday, contained a program from Philip Barbie's wedding in 2004 as well as four other programs.
- My tie has not been retied in almost six years now. Someday I will learn to tie it.
- Piscataway would be the perfect marketing birthplace of Nature's Miracle.
- New Jersey townships love to tinker with the speed limit along their routes. In the twenty mile stretch between Mount Olive and Swartswood, the speed limit jumped randomly between 25 and 50 miles per hour, with no direct correlation to whether the road was in the city or the country, a main street or a commercial route. Given the Jersey love of roads and building roads, I'm sure someone analyzed every 50 foot section of road and determined the optimal traveling speed (rounded to the nearest five) then billed the government eight million dollars. I felt like I was following a strategy guide for a really tedious platformer game.
- Not being able to pump your own gas means that there's a ton of minimum wage jobs available in New Jersey. They should improve the economy and extend this concept to other arenas, like not being able to wipe your bottom, not being able to make left turns or U turns, and not being able to buy your own beer if you're under 21. Hopefully no one has stolen any of my ideas before I patent them and make millions.
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