Tuesday, February 10, 2009

List Day: Creating an Effective Stimulus Bill

I was originally going to spend today examining the Senate stimulus compromise and using my common sense superpower to veto the ideas that were obviously a waste of my fifty dollars. However, the bill is several hundred pages long, and I definitely don't have the inclination to waste a portion of my life doing that when I could just as easily be online watching videos of cats riding Roombas.

Instead, I will completely ignore the existing stimulus compromise and present my own less expensive plan that will more effectively jumpstart our economy.

Clean, Efficient, American Energy

  • $25 billion to fill the state of Nevada with the nastiest, smoggiest, high-output power plants available, creating an affordable power grid for the rest of the union at the expense of the Nevadan people.
  • $1 million to systematically assassinate people who start lawsuits against wind power.
  • $12 billion to outlaw and respossess SUVs and Hummers, then convert them into an artificial reef.
  • Transforming our Economy with Science and Technology

  • $10 billion to alchemy research on how to convert lead into gold.
  • $100 billion to quantum teleportation research, eliminating the need for roads and cars.
  • Modernizing Roads, Bridges, Transit and Waterways

  • This section of the stimulus bill will no longer be needed if we throw enough money into inventing person teleportation technology.
  • Education for the 21st Century

  • $1 billion to prevent teen sex through shock-literature depicting diseased penises in textbooks and on television.
  • $1 billion to cap college textbook costs at $5 per book ($6 with a CD of answers).
  • $25 billion to extend mandatory primary education by three more years, reducing the number of immature idiots in the freshman class of college.
  • Tax Cuts to Make Work Pay and Create Jobs

  • $1 billion to eliminate jobs for a day and then reestablish them, so that the same job can be counted twice in the "Jobs Created or Saved" tally.
  • Lowering Healthcare Costs

  • $5 billion to move horse veterinarians into the medical workforce with instructions to shoot anyone who might require more than 3 days of treatment.
  • $1 billion to increase the size of the medical workforce by allowing one to become a surgeon "over the Internet".
  • Helping Workers Hurt by the Economy

  • $1 million for band-aids to anyone that was attacked by the economy in a dark alley.
  • Saving Public Sector Jobs and Protect Vital Services

  • $2 billion to eliminate all traffic-related responsibilities of police officers so they may more effectively focus on important crimes.
  • $1 billion to increase 911 response time by changing the number to "91".
  • $1 billion in grants to hog farmers so the nation's supply of bacon does not suffer interruption.
  • Grand Total: $174 billion

    Beat that, you elected yahoos.

    Deer Crack Dealer
    Composer's Neanderthal recreation
    At Denny's, free food and long lines

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