List Day: Creating an Effective Stimulus Bill

I was originally going to spend today examining the Senate stimulus compromise and using my common sense superpower to veto the ideas that were obviously a waste of my fifty dollars. However, the bill is several hundred pages long, and I definitely don't have the inclination to waste a portion of my life doing that when I could just as easily be online watching videos of cats riding Roombas.

Instead, I will completely ignore the existing stimulus compromise and present my own less expensive plan that will more effectively jumpstart our economy.

Clean, Efficient, American Energy

$25 billion to fill the state of Nevada with the nastiest, smoggiest, high-output power plants available, creating an affordable power grid for the rest of the union at the expense of the Nevadan people.

$1 million to systematically assassinate people who start lawsuits against wind power.

$12 billion to outlaw and respossess SUVs and Hummers, then convert them into an artificial reef.

Transforming our Economy with Science and Technology

$10 billion to alchemy research on how to convert lead into gold.

$100 billion to quantum teleportation research, eliminating the need for roads and cars.

Modernizing Roads, Bridges, Transit and Waterways

This section of the stimulus bill will no longer be needed if we throw enough money into inventing person teleportation technology.

Education for the 21st Century

$1 billion to prevent teen sex through shock-literature depicting diseased penises in textbooks and on television.

$1 billion to cap college textbook costs at $5 per book ($6 with a CD of answers).

$25 billion to extend mandatory primary education by three more years, reducing the number of immature idiots in the freshman class of college.

Tax Cuts to Make Work Pay and Create Jobs

$1 billion to eliminate jobs for a day and then reestablish them, so that the same job can be counted twice in the "Jobs Created or Saved" tally.

Lowering Healthcare Costs

$5 billion to move horse veterinarians into the medical workforce with instructions to shoot anyone who might require more than 3 days of treatment.

$1 billion to increase the size of the medical workforce by allowing one to become a surgeon "over the Internet".

Helping Workers Hurt by the Economy

$1 million for band-aids to anyone that was attacked by the economy in a dark alley.

Saving Public Sector Jobs and Protect Vital Services

$2 billion to eliminate all traffic-related responsibilities of police officers so they may more effectively focus on important crimes.

$1 billion to increase 911 response time by changing the number to "91".

$1 billion in grants to hog farmers so the nation's supply of bacon does not suffer interruption.

Grand Total: $174 billion

Beat that, you elected yahoos.

Deer Crack Dealer
Composer's Neanderthal recreation
At Denny's, free food and long lines

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