Friday, January 06, 2006

Friday Fragments

Spouting nonsensical nonsense like a whale with a blowhole, and it's pointed right at you

  • I beat Fire Emblem: This Title Didn't Really Need a Colon last night after dinner at Anna's family's house. Maybe I'll devote one of next week's updates to a full review, providing a small reminder to my readers that before I was an international playboy, I had humble beginnings as a kid that played a lot of video games.

  • I used to get up early to play games before school started. I can remember being up at four in the morning trying to get some time playing the very fun, but poorly-named Ultima VII: Part 2 on our 486 before running off to Crew practice. Getting up early didn't help there, because saving and loading in that game took about five minutes per file.

  • As a kid, I thought eating breakfast was a waste of time (time which could be better wasted playing games, which I preferred over sleeping). For a few weeks, I had a foolproof system in place: I would wake up before my dad, put a couple Cheerios in a bowl with a splash of milk, and then run water in the bowl and leave it in the sink. Then he would think I had eaten my cereal early and by the time he got up I would already be playing Zelda II: The Adventure of Link up in the living room. Then one morning, he asked me, "So what did you use to eat your cereal?". If I ever have to do that again, I'll remember to put a spoon in the bowl.

  • Games over sleep? Nowadays I would rather sleep. I should eat more breakfasts too, otherwise I might starve like Lindsey Lohan and appear on CNN.com.

  • Currency collectors are in an bidding frenzy over a twenty-dollar bill that has a banana sticker between the bill and its ink . I think it's interesting in a "look at this two-headed snake" kind of way, but not worth twenty thousand dollars. When I was a kid, I collected pennies and had a penny where the date was stamped twice. There were millions of them out there though, so its net worth was about three dollars. Speaking of which, I have a nickel with a piece of gum stuck on it, and it was next to another nickel, so there is an imprint of the tails side of the second nickel on the heads side of the first. Anyone want to buy it? Bids start at $5.

  • Nowadays, I'm a currency collector in the pragmatic sense: the more I collect, the more I can spend on women of ill repute and Happy Meals.

  • McDonald's already sells things that don't belong in their restaurants, like DVD rentals and salad. Next, they should sell hookers. McDonald's: Your one-stop Nevada shop for dinner and a date. Or, McDonald's: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a super smokin' blonde. They could also team up with this valet service that lets hot women park your car and put hot women in the drive-through and on the counter. Their profits would double in no time -- I have a wonderful business acumen.

  • After all these years I am still a hot chocolate newbie. I can never add just the right amount of hot water to make it immediately drinkable, so it either gets cold way too quickly, or I burn my tongue. I don't like hot chocolate to actually be steaming hot, because then you can't drink it right away and you have severely limited your instant chocolate gratification. They need a service that has hot women make you hot chocolate -- that would be a winner.

  • French fries are a versatile foodstuff because you really can't mess them up (unless you drown them in seasoning like Ruby Tuesday). No matter how thin or thick you slice them up, they still taste great. When I went to FSU, we would always go down to the Loop for lunch after our 10:30ish class where we'd order food and tag-team the crossword puzzle at an outside table before all the annoyingly yippy sorority girls descended upon the patio channeling the spirits of their chihuahua ancestors. Because I was frugal to the extreme, I always had a lunch consisting of "a side of fries". I no longer do that, although occasionally I'll get just soup and fries.

  • Why do lanes that merge onto a main road from a lesser one always have "No Left Turn" signs? Are there really people in the world who get to the end of the merge lane, come to a complete halt, and then make a 180 degree turn against the flow of traffic? The tax money we save from all those signs could probably fill a pothole or two. Speaking of left turn signs, if you do a Google Images search on "NO LEFT TURN" you get the picture on the right, straight from the Minnesota Department of Public Safety. That instills all kinds of public confidence.

  • There's also a stop sign near my house on a small mid-street island that gets run over roughly once a week by people turning left who misjudged the position of the sign. Road crews always put it back up a few days later, sometimes with metal splints around it for more support, but they never do anything to make the sign or the median island more noticeable. Were I on the road crew, I would plant one of those honking huge orange water barrels in front of the stop sign with a smaller sign mounted on it, "If one of you SUV-driving motherlovers knocks this sign over one more time, we are going to splint it to your ass."

  • Someone from the pit orchestra I played with last year contacted me yesterday with a vaguely worded business proposition smelling suspiciously like Amway. Using the skills honed by years of playing Where in the _____ is Carmen Sandiego?, I discovered that the sender's e-mail address was from "Britt Worldwide", another gloved hand of Amway/Quixtar. Since this was already tried on me once before I firmly but fairly declined. Timesink averted.

  • After years of controversial South Park episodes, they finally crossed the imaginary line in the sand and pissed off the Catholics to the point where one episode has been removed from the rerun lineup and all traces of it removed from the Comedy Central site . I'm actually surprised they made it nine years without this level of retraction.

  • This weekend I plan on doing a little shopping, taking down my Christmas lights, putting up the rain gauge my parents got me for Christmas, and seeing Walk the Line before it vanishes from theatres. I'm rather behind on my Oscars-movie-watching this season, but that just means my random guesses will be much more accurate. Have a good weekend!

  • Buy one floor, get one free
    The Pennsylvania couple has seven scooters-one for each floor of their home, some for outdoors, some for travel.
    I blame it on Walt Disney, where animals are given human qualities.

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