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- Monday, November 06, 2023:
Vote BU 2023
Please make sure to write me in when you head to the polling stations tomorrow. I have a winning or undefeated record against every other candidate, and an actionable, common sense platform.
Target will be required to keep at least 3 manned checkout lines open during business hours.
Diners will receive 20% off their orders at any restaurant that uses a QR code for their menus.
Amazon can no longer sell goods from mysterious knockoff companies whose company name was invented by mashing the keyboard with CAPS LOCK on.
Senators from the great state of Virginia can steal 1 vote from West Virginia by rolling a natural 20.
- Monday, November 07, 2022:
Vote BU 2022
If elected, I promise to enact the following changes in our society and daily way of life.
All dishwasher soap must come with its own built-in Rinse Agent.
LinkedIn users will be banned if they put a double line break between every single sentence in their post.
Alexa will no longer be able to tell you about all of the amazing additional skills she can do.
High efficiency washing machines will actually show the correct time remaining instead of staying at the 1 minute mark for 20 extra minutes.
Restaurants will no longer be allowed to call their tiniest orange juice "regular-sized".
All bagging area errors in...
- Monday, July 25, 2022:
Jan 6 Day
When the January 6 hearings began, I was very skeptical that they would have any value.
I consider myself reasonably well-informed: I follow the news daily from multiple sources and use tools like allsides.com to understand how media bias influences the way events are presented. I thought I knew everything there was to know about the January 6 protest and subsequent insurrection, and worried that the hearings would just be grandstanding by camera-loving politicians. I was wrong.
Watching the hearings has forced me to revise my stance. I originally perceived as a clown car of cosplayers that got out of hand but never had a real chance of succeeding. It was actually a methodically pl...
- Monday, November 01, 2021:
Vote BU 2021
Having trouble deciding on your elected officials tomorrow? Write me in! Here is my eminently actionable platform, which I'm sure we can all agree upon:
Videos will not be allowed to leap free of a webpage and follow you down the margin.
Every time VDOT construction lane markings cause an accident in the rain or darkness, all Virginia drivers get $25 added to their EZPass account.
The teens will be renamed for consistency and ease of learning: ten, ten-one, ten-two, ten-three, ten-four, ten-five, ten-six, ten-seven, ten-eight, and ten-nine.
Logging in using Single Sign On will no longer flash through every page on the Internet in an epilepsy-...
- Monday, November 09, 2020:
While I doubt that there will be notable forward progress in the next 4 years, I'm definitely looking forward to politics reverting back to traditional, predictable form. Biden as President will be familiar, unsurprising, and likely hamstrung by lack of Senate control. In my opinion, that's exactly what we need to decelerate our parallel freefalls in global prestige, economy, critical thinking, and public health.
Sure, there's a case to be made for changing things quickly, but "move fast and break things" doesn't work when our country's government is intentionally designed to enforce methodical, stately progress. Let's clean up the mess a little bit before we scare the other half of the country with ideas they...
- Monday, November 04, 2019:
Vote BU 2019
In need of a write-in candidate for tomorrow's election? Look no further! Here are a few of the benefits you are GUARANTEED to claim if I am elected to any office anywhere in Loudoun County for any amount of time.
A stimulus will be provided to local Safeway grocery stores to make them look less like Greyhound bus stations on the inside.
All the new "me too!" streaming services must license their exclusive TV shows to Netflix after 6 months.
New data centers must be built completely underground, with walkable commercial areas at ground level, and hipsters living one floor up (the cool suburban hipsters with scruffy beards that microbrew, not the whiny urban hip...
- Wednesday, October 23, 2019:
List Day: 10 Questions to Ask When Doing Local Election Research
Is the total count of their Twitter tweets greatly out of proportion with the sum
of their Followers plus their Following count ( -1 )?
Do they own a real domain name ( www.candidate.com , +3 ), or are they camping on a subdomain ( candidate.blogspot.com , +2 )? Or, even worse, a social media group ( www.facebook.com/candidate , +1 )? Do they even have a web presence ( -3 )?
Did he include a picture of himself in the Sheriff Department coloring book passed out at SterlingFest ( -3 )?
Is their platform purely aspirational ( "I want to bring...
- Wednesday, November 09, 2016:
Despair Is Not a Long-Term Solution
When Clinton and Trump applied for the position of US President, I did my due diligence as hiring manager. In Clinton, I saw a career politician with strong policy credentials and an inability to prevent self-inflicted political wounds. The email controversy, while serious, was no worse than established practice of other politicians before her (although her flippant comment about wiping the server with a cloth incites Hulk-levels of rage in me to this day). In the "Miscellaneous" portion of her resume, I liked the symbolism of electing the first woman president.
In Trump, I saw an erratic, ineloquent businessman with no experience in politics. His actions and words showed clear racism and misogyny, and he used...
- Thursday, October 20, 2016:
Trump's debate style is to fire shotgun blasts into the negative space around a coherent argument and hope that people can deduce what his argument was intended to convey.
Clinton's debate style is like a GPS that sends you down every back road through the suburbs when everyone knows there's a six-lane highway leading directly to the point.
Country unity depends on the Gregory Brothers to create an auto-tune version of "You're The Puppet", starring Franklin from Arrested Development .
- Tuesday, October 04, 2016:
Tim Kaine is easily the warmest, most inoffensive Muppet that Jim Henson ever created.
Mike Pence's stark facial features suggest a man who has overzealously drained his lifeforce into a Horcux in his quest for immortality.
- Monday, September 26, 2016:
List Day: 10 Facets of My Voting Bloc
I am solidly upper middle class in a double-income no-kids household. I have no debts, other than a small mortgage that will be paid off in the next five years.
I have two bachelor's and a master's degree (unless they took it away because I never use it).
I work as a government contractor in software engineering. While my immediate job is dependent on government spending, my career as a whole is not.
I like to believe I make decisions grounded in science and fact rather than emotion.
I have historically voted for Democratic Presidential candidates but do not vote blindly along party lines. I think John McCain probably would have been just fin...
- Tuesday, July 26, 2016:
Vote BU 2016
Having trouble deciding who to vote for in the upcoming election? Take a look at the BU party platform and consider voting for me! When I'm elected as 45th President, these are the changes you can expect to see enacted:
Arnold Schwarzenegger will be my Vice President.
Representatives of the great state of Virginia will get 1 extra vote in each roll call.
Evite will no longer include a "Maybe" option on invitations.
Funding will be provided to immediately reshoot the endings of Dexter and How I Met Your Mother , with updated DVDs distributed to anyone negatively affected by the original endings.
- Thursday, October 29, 2015:
Loudoun Election Cheat Sheet, Part III of III
Chairman, Board of Supervisors
Phyllis J. Randall (D)
Charlie L. King (R)
Thomas E. Bellanca (I)
Scott K. York (I)
"Radically anti-illegal immigration"
No domestic violence charges
No domestic violence charges
Lost (by a margin of 30%) to York in 2011
No domestic violence charges
Washington post endorsement
Doesn't mind domestic violence charges
Doesn't know what a "one-sentence statement" is.
- Wednesday, October 28, 2015:
Loudoun Election Cheat Sheet, Part II of III
Clerk of Circuit Court
Eileen M. Tagg-Murdock (D)
Gary M. Clemens (R)
Lost (by a 37.8% margin) in the 2011 School Board race
Lives in Sterling, the jewel of Loudoun County
Positions aren't much different than the other guy
Has increased the level of automation and electronic access to Loudoun records
His teste is stamped on my marriage license
Robert J. Ohneiser (D)
James E. "Jim" Plowman (R)
- Tuesday, October 27, 2015:
Loudoun Election Cheat Sheet, Part I of III
It's often difficult to cut through the macrame potholder of misinformation that stretches across the loom of general elections. With district boundaries resembling modern day Nazca lines, it can be a chore just figuring out who's eligible for your vote and which voting station to report to (dropping in unannounced on a random elementary school is frowned upon in this day and age).
As a public service, the URI! Zone is offering side-by-side comparisons for every race. Currently, this data is limited to my direct voting area because I'm but a one-man political team with no revenue stream and my district is the only one that matters. If a comparable resource does not exist for your area, you should seriously consider movi...
- Tuesday, October 06, 2015:
Missing the Point
I try not to descend the spiral staircase of futility into political discussions as much anymore, but I was truly disappointed by this quote from an article about Carly Fiorina's unpaid debts from her failed Senate campaign:
"People are just upset and angry and throwing her under the bus," said Jon Cross, Fiorina's operations director for her Senate campaign. "If we didn't win, why do you deserve to get paid? If you don't succeed in business, you shouldn't be the first one to step up and complain about getting paid."
I'm sure that this operations director would say the same thing to his loan shark if he borrowed a million dollars and then bet it all on RG III surviving more than tw...
- Tuesday, November 05, 2013:
Vote for BU
Ken Cuccinelli is using "think of the children" as an excuse for laws about my penis. Terry McAuliffe looks like that douchey senior from the high school crew team who probably has at least one DUI concealed by his dad's lawyer. Robert Sarvis is getting the obligatory praise usually reserved for the one-legged track star earning a participation trophy. One might say that we have reached the end times, if one wanted to be all biblical about it.
In harsh conditions like these, you might as well throw away your vote on me! I'm pretty sure I could get at least 1% of the vote, and as you can see below, my platform is eminently appealing:
No more sales tax on Amazon.com purchases.
- Friday, November 09, 2012:
2012 Election Recap
In case you missed my live-blogging of the 2012 Election on Facebook last Tuesday, here is a transcript. I tried to include a little something for everyone, regardless of their politics:
7:00 PM Breaking News: Voter fraud suspected as irate Hunting...
- Monday, November 05, 2012:
List Day: 10 Ways to Recapture My Election Attention in the Next 24 Hours
Hurricane Sandy is discovered to be a WMD. We invade the Caribbean and storm the beaches of Jamaica to control the world's rum supply.
Each candidate posts a 5 minute campaign rap on YouTube, personally written and performed. Romney may not rhyme "sequestration" with "equestrian". Obama must rap in the style of Busta Rhymes.
Candidates finally flesh out the fiscal cliff metaphor by clarifying whether we're driving off the top or crashing into the base.
Hackers subvert all of the electronic voting machines in Virginia and give Virgil Goode 104% of the popular vote.
A mysterious cabal of fast-food interests reveals that Michelle Obama and her health...
- Thursday, October 04, 2012:
The Ladder of Opportunity
Fill in the blank with the name of a presidential candidate of your choosing, such that the cartoon accurately depicts your preconceived (yet totally correct and awesome) world view.