Friday, November 09, 2012

2012 Election Recap

In case you missed my live-blogging of the 2012 Election on Facebook last Tuesday, here is a transcript. I tried to include a little something for everyone, regardless of their politics:

7:00 PM
Breaking News: Voter fraud suspected as irate Huntington / Hybla Valley residents insist that they live in Alexandria.
1 person likes this.
7:10 PM
Breaking News: Polling station at Bob and Edith's Diner refusing to close. "24/7 is 24/7", manager says.
1 person likes this.
7:20 PM
Breaking News: Obama moving a III army piece into Ohio so he can use more red attack dice.
7:30 PM
Breaking News: Exit Polls in Reston reporting that 98.4% of voters used a door, 1.1% left through a window, and 0.5% are still inside, refusing to leave.
3 people like this.
7:40 PM
Breaking News: Hipster riots reported at Manhattan polling station because touch screens don't allow swipe and pinch gestures.
3 people like this.
7:50 PM
Breaking News: Manassas polling stations reporting a massive wave of voters who are really, really, really bad at Daylight Saving Time.
5 people like this.
8:00 PM
Breaking News: In search of primetime relevance, Alaska is crossing out the dates on their 2008 returns and resubmitting momentarily.
1 person likes this.
8:10 PM
Breaking News: Early reports from New Jersey's e-voting initiative show a strong Nigerian turnout.
2 people like this.
8:20 PM
Breaking News: Widespread ballot misprints in Maryland mean that only same-sex couples are welcome at the new casinos.
3 people like this.
8:30 PM
Breaking News: National Arboretum reporting that Romney has won the poplar vote.
8:40 PM
Breaking News: Arkansas Exit Polls report a landslide. EMTs are on the way.
1 person likes this.
8:50 PM
Breaking News: Romney projected to win West Virginia (5), but offers to trade for Rhode Island (4) and a pack of smokes. Obama declines.
3 people like this.
9:00 PM
Breaking News: Multiple Austin, TX polling stations reporting problems closing on time because of the large number of voters stuck in doorways.
4 people like this.
9:10 PM
Breaking News: Obama wins Best Sound Mixing.
1 person likes this.
9:20 PM
Breaking News: Texas annoying federal officials by publishing its election returns in Helvetica 72pt to be bigger than California.
1 person likes this.
9:30 PM
Breaking News: Romney and Obama have agreed to cede Colorado to the first candidate who can draw it in Blind Pictionary and get their VP to guess it.
5 people like this.
9:40 PM
Breaking News: Voting irregularities reported in Grinnell, IA, where voters have ganged up at opposite ends of the room and tried to convince others to join them.
9:50 PM
Breaking News: Romney has collected 3 Dragon Coins and unlocked bonus electoral votes.
4 people like this.
10:00 PM
Breaking News: Alleged voter intimidation reported in Kansas turned out to be an Asian family, recently moved to Wichita and in line to vote.
1 person likes this.
10:10 PM
Breaking News: Exit Polls from Nevada indicate that Romney has won more popular votes than Windows 8.
1 person likes this.
10:20 PM
Breaking News: Rep. Frank Wolf chastised for offering unpaid congressional page positions to Kristin Cabral and Kevin Chisolm.
10:30 PM
Breaking News: Romney admits that he doesn't mind a loss, as long as the outline of his red states "looks like some kind of cool dinosaur, maybe a Biblebeltasaurus".
11 people like this.
8:00 AM
Breaking News: Republican strategists admit that they were relying on their Google Plus page to win the social media battle.
4 people like this.

tagged as mock mock, politics | permalink | 3 comments


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