Monday, November 04, 2019

Vote BU 2019

In need of a write-in candidate for tomorrow's election? Look no further! Here are a few of the benefits you are GUARANTEED to claim if I am elected to any office anywhere in Loudoun County for any amount of time.

  1. A stimulus will be provided to local Safeway grocery stores to make them look less like Greyhound bus stations on the inside.

  2. All the new "me too!" streaming services must license their exclusive TV shows to Netflix after 6 months.

  3. New data centers must be built completely underground, with walkable commercial areas at ground level, and hipsters living one floor up (the cool suburban hipsters with scruffy beards that microbrew, not the whiny urban hipsters that haven't paid rent in a year and refuse to get a job to support their Bohemian lifestyle).

  4. Pandora will now pay you 3 cents every time it repeats an ad from its pitifully tiny selection of ads.

  5. Neighborhood names within Sterling will be eliminated in the name of inclusiveness, diversity, and cleaner maps.

  6. All craft breweries must provide timely, accurate food truck schedules in an easy-to-find location on their websites.

  7. Posting a review of an online recipe where you swapped out more than 3 ingredients will be a Class 3 Misdemeanor.

  8. No penalties for hitting a W&OD Trail bike warrior trying to cross a four-lane highway without signalling or stopping (plus, you get to keep the bike as spoils).

  9. You will get a $1 credit in your Amazon account every time Alexa fails to understand you.

  10. All drivers that stop in the merge lane while turning right onto Route 7 will lose 3 points on their licenses and be forced into remedial driving courses.

tagged as lists, politics | permalink | 3 comments


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