Vote for BU

Ken Cuccinelli is using "think of the children" as an excuse for laws about my penis. Terry McAuliffe looks like that douchey senior from the high school crew team who probably has at least one DUI concealed by his dad's lawyer. Robert Sarvis is getting the obligatory praise usually reserved for the one-legged track star earning a participation trophy. One might say that we have reached the end times, if one wanted to be all biblical about it.

In harsh conditions like these, you might as well throw away your vote on me! I'm pretty sure I could get at least 1% of the vote, and as you can see below, my platform is eminently appealing:

• No more sales tax on Amazon.com purchases.


• Super-high gas taxes on SUVs with no passengers, wimpy-looking cars from Maryland with loud, annoying souped-up engines, and texters.


• Special exemption from the "no foreign presidents" law, specifically for my good friend, Arnold Schwarzenegger.


• Statewide redrawn voting districts, based either on topography or on the mad scrawlings of a preschooler.


• Reregulation of the cable industry.


• A tax on dogs to pay for a stimulus on cats.


• Nintendo will no longer be allowed to use the words "New" or the name of their gaming system in the title of any video game.


• Northern Virginia gets to use all of the money it contributes to Virginia coffers, even if it means that Rural Retreat has to revert to horse-drawn buggies on gravel roads.


• Free travel on the Dulles Greenway and elimination of monthly Smart Tag fees.


• If J.J. Abrams starts a new show, he has to stick with it through the conclusion, and not abandon it after two seasons.


• Invasion and annexation of the Outer Banks.


• Deprecation of the "No Child Left Behind" law in favor of a "No Left-Handed Child" law.


• Immediate cease-and-desist on the creation of the CBS spin-off, "How I Met Your Father".


• Removal of the "80 mph counts as reckless driving" speed cap.


• Arlington may no longer reuse numbers and letters on completely disparate streets.

Get the word out! Vote BU for Virginia Governor!