Vote BU 2023

Please make sure to write me in when you head to the polling stations tomorrow. I have a winning or undefeated record against every other candidate, and an actionable, common sense platform.

1. Target will be required to keep at least 3 manned checkout lines open during business hours.


2. Diners will receive 20% off their orders at any restaurant that uses a QR code for their menus.


3. Amazon can no longer sell goods from mysterious knockoff companies whose company name was invented by mashing the keyboard with CAPS LOCK on.


4. Senators from the great state of Virginia can steal 1 vote from West Virginia by rolling a natural 20.


5. Influencing Google rankings by writing a ten paragraph article to answer a simple yes/no question will now be a Class A misdemeanor.


6. The content libraries of all streaming services will be merged and nationalized as a critical ad-free public service for $9.99 per month. (Legislation Rider: Old episodes of Boston Public will be permanently added to the content library).


7. Loudoun County Public Schools will only be allowed to send you 1 email per week.


8. All funding for new fire stations will be redirected towards craft breweries with fewer than 3 IPAs on their menus.


9. People that put a clap emoji after every word in a sentence will be required to pass a 100-level writing class before regaining social media privileges.


10. A tax on dog owners will be implemented to fund a stimulus for cat owners.