Saturday, February 28, 2004

The Oscars, Part V of VI

Best performance by an actor in a leading role
    The Nominees:
  • Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
    Ben Kingsley in House of Sand and Fog
    Jude Law in Cold Mountain
  • Bill Murray in Lost in Translation
    Sean Penn in Mystic River

    What will happen?
    Johnny Depp modelled his pirate character off of Pepe Le Pew and Keith Richards. Still, a "kid's" movie won't be eligible for an Actor Oscar. Jude Law consistently looks like a creepy Justin Theroux, and I don't know if anyone takes Sean Penn seriously anymore, despite his talents. The Oscar will go to Gandhi in House of Sand and Fog.
Best performance by an actor in a supporting role
    The Nominees:
    Alec Baldwin in The Cooler
    Benicio Del Toro in 21 Grams
    Djimon Hounsou in In America
    Tim Robbins in Mystic River
    Ken Watanabe in The Last Samurai

    What will happen?
    Ken Watanabe sounds like a leftover from one of the Star Wars movies. Benicio del Toro's face always looks like it was mangled in a freak lawn-mowing accident (in fact, his name translates roughly as "Benicio was hit by a Toro"). Tim Robbins and Alec Baldwin kind of run together, so Djimon Hounsou will get the Oscar, because he appeared on an episode of Alias as Kazari Bomani.
Best performance by an actress in a leading role
    The Nominees:
    Keisha Castle-Hughes in Whale Rider
    Diane Keaton in Something's Gotta Give
    Samantha Morton in In America
    Charlize Theron in Monster
    Naomi Watts in 21 Grams

    What will happen?
    Charlize Theron will pick up her first Oscar because she is hot underneath all the prosthetics. Keisha will lose for being too young, Diane will lose for being too old, Samantha will lose for looking too much like Princess Leia in her IMDB profile, and Naomi will lose for no good reason (and then start a publicly traded company named after herself so stock analysts can say "NAOMI WATTS UP" and chuckle).
Best performance by an actress in a supporting role
    The Nominees:
    Shohreh Aghdashloo in House of Sand and Fog
    Patricia Clarkson in Pieces of April
    Marcia Gay Harden in Mystic River
    Holly Hunter in Thirteen
    Renée Zellweger in Cold Mountain

    What will happen?
    Many voters will choose Shohreh simply to hear her name butchered by a well-meaning presenter, especially since Marcia's name is far too easy to make into an off-colour joke. However, Renée Zellweger will squeak ahead by a nose and take home the Oscar.

Yesterday's notable search terms:

    listen to a movement for rosa by mark camphouse, i like beech, guiteau's gun, coca-cola questionnaire sample, caligula fun facts

Cat saliva cleaner than dog saliva
Man steals 25 cents of power
Don't buy the house with body parts in it
Push To Walk doesn't actually work

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