Tuesday, February 24, 2004

"It was so sweet backstage. The Teamsters are helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo." - Steve Martin at the '03 Oscars

It's time for the Third Annual Uri! Picks for Oscar Night! I saw even fewer movies this year than in the past two years, but I'm luckily saved by the fact that the same four movies appear in every category. Before you run off to your bookie, you should know that I got 4 of 24 correct last year and 9 of 24 the year before that. My scores should improve this year, because I'm not letting Booty have any say in the picks.

With that said, let's start with the categories that no one cares about and build up a false sense of suspense through Sunday's update where I'll make my picks for the four most important categories that no one cares about. Any movie I've seen is marked with a dot. As you can tell, I haven't seen any of today's movies.

Best documentary feature
    The Nominees:
    My Architect: Film maker studies the life of his father, architect Louis Kahn, and traces his secret lives and wives
    The Weather Underground: Looks at the evolution of the radical group, Weathermen, through the 60s and 70s in America
    Balseros: A film maker tracks Cuban refugees from detainee camp to their new lives in America through good times and bad
    Capturing the Friedmans: A film maker observes a family torn apart by accusations of child molestation through good times and bad
    The Fog of War: A film maker looks at the life of Robert McNamara who "shows regret and pride in equal measure for his mistakes and accomplishments" (he had good times and bad)

    What will happen?
    Voters will not remember which movies they watched and ultimately decide that McNamara is a child-molesting Cuban who had good times and bad. Since this is not a particularly pleasant scenario, The Weather Underground will win for resembling a Bruckheimer action movie.
Best documentary short subject
    The Nominees:
    Asylum
    Chernobyl Heart
    Ferry Tales

    What will happen?
    There are currently five movies with the title Asylum on Blockbuster's site. Depending on which you take home, you could get anything from a horror flick to a romance movie involving Ian McKellen. Chernobyl Heart is about heart conditions following nuclear accidents, and I don't know what Ferry Tales is about since there is no synopsis. Since the purpose of a documentary is to educate, Ferry Tales will win, because by the end of the movie I would learn what it was about.
Best animated short film
    The Nominees:
    Boundin'
    Destino
    Gone Nutty
    Harvie Krumpet
    Nibbles

    What will happen?
    An animated short always has to have an offbeat title that suggests its light-hearted and/or whimsical tone. Destino loses. Of the remaining titles, Boundin' will win because it suggests the carefree image of an animated puppy "boundin'" (GET IT?) through a field of dandelions with the theme from Super Mario Brothers 2 playing in the background. Harvie Krumpet will be unmemorable, because the title is a mishmash of Harvey Keitel, Harry Potter, and Wallace & Gromit (characters who would have an unlikely progeny, were they to do a little dance and make a little love). Nibbles will lose because it's too close to last year's ChubbChubbs! and the previous year's Stubble Trubble. I still think Mt. Head should have won last year. You could have so much fun with the press releases.
Best live action short film
    The Nominees:
    Die Rote Jacke (The Red Jacket)
    Most (The Bridge)
    Squash
    (A) Torzija ([A] Torsion)
    Two Soldiers

    What will happen?
    This fight is solely between Squash and Two Soldiers. A live action short film should not require a subtitle or translation, because the movie is over by the time you've finished the title. The length rule is also why the 1994 Indian movie, Shree Shree Rajadhiraja Shree Shree Madana Kamaraja Shree Shree Vilasa Raja Shree Shree Mahdubana Raja Shree Shree Krishnadeva Donda Raja, and the 1967 British movie, The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade would both fail as live action short films. Your movie title should also not look like an advanced mathematics problem, so (A) Torzija ([A] Torsion) is out of the running. Squash will ultimately win because Hollywood is the land of stupid diets and squash is a healthy side dish when not sauteed with peas, carrots, and pig fat.

Yesterday's notable search terms:

    number of toll booths, melody shifted a beat, romatic era of european music

Court rules that child's name would expose him to mean haikus
More on the T.C. Williams name-changing issue

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