Tuesday, January 06, 2009

List Day: 2009 Resolutions

  1. Vacation in various exotic foreign cities, such that when the itinerary is overlayed on a world map, it creates a connect-the-dots image of an armadillo.

  2. Campaign for the creation of a Cabinet post related to an increased consumption of high quality bacon, bringing a more transparent (and literal) interpretation to "pork-barrel spending".

  3. Make new friends in a higher socioeconomic circle -- friends who enjoy wealth and are not afraid to lavish it upon me in exchange for filling a void in their lonely existences.

  4. Achieve a server-first in World of Warcraft by being the first person to get level 81 (nine level 9's will also suffice).

  5. Develop a cathletics program that teaches cats how to play Red Rover, and then sell it to Animal Planet to fill their lucrative Puppy Bowl timeslot.

  6. Consistently run a four-minute mile, or run at least one cumulative mile by the end of the year while listening to the Madonna/Timberlake song, "Four Minutes" on a continuous loop.

  7. Invent a new sub-genre of trance music constructed around thick, muddy Bsus13 chords in every octave. Call it "trance fat".

  8. Costar in a movie with Rachel McAdams featuring full nudity of questionable artistic merit.

  9. Create a mutual fund whose success is solely based on the novelty-factor of its abbreviation. EARWAX is up!

  10. Successfully petition the National Weather Service to change the 2009 hurricane name from "Bill" to "Brian", and then become the first hurricane to completely lift up a tropical island and set it down somewhere else (or just permanently submerge Florida).

What are your resolutions?

Ambulance crew arrested for ignoring dying man
Traditional fairy tales not PC enough for parents
One Hacker's Audacious Plan to Rule the Underground

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