Friday, July 29, 2005

Friday Fragments

  • Operation Sidewalk has finished Phase III. We will be moving on to Phase IV: The Final Phase this weekend. My lot will be several tons heavier upon completion, and the subsequent sinking will make it so I don't have to stand on tiptoes to open the front door anymore. That was a short joke, get it? I'm short.

  • Fantastic Four was a fun, cheesy superhero movie. Not a movie you'd want to see multiple times, but entertaining in an over-the-top way. I think the villain found the Green Goblin's evil mask at a yard sale and reused it.

  • They're making a Transporter 2, another absurdly action-packed vehicle starring Jason Stratham, who also played fun badasses in Transporter, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and Snatch. This one looks like it'll be fun to watch, although the original (while good) wasn't exactly calling out for a sequel.

  • Post-movie snacks were found at Bennigan's, a restaurant that I didn't even know existed anymore. The last time I was at a Bennigan's, Lionel Kiddie City was turning that frown upside down, and if you paid full price, you didn't buy it at Crown Books. Unlike Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, watching Fantastic Four did not have a deleterious effect on order times. On the way home, I saw a man standing in the street staring at the ground, and three major accidents, one involving a smoking car. The car was actually on fire -- I was not on the Orient Express.

  • I also learned that in my nine-year absence, Springfield Mall has apparently become "the seedy mall". I always thought this distinction was given to Fair Oaks Mall, but I guess Fair Oaks is now the crappy mall, instead of the seedy, crappy mall. Other types of malls in our area include the local mall with nothing worth buying (Landmark), the mall where you lose ten pounds from walking before you get to a store (Potomac Mills), the mall where you go when your diamond shoes are too tight (Tysons), and the mall where your income must exceed the gross national product of Lithuania (Pentagon City).

  • Oompa Loompa Girl has decided to get up close and personal with the past two years of my daily updates that she missed, and has chosen these phrases as some of the highlights:
    • inebriated Muppet performance syndrome
    • I just enjoy foolishly sprinting everywhere in hopes of stealing the ball with my magnetic fingers.
    • Who knows, the fact that they're great at decomposing may help me improve at composing.
    • Booyah.
    • I could have tested the presumption that all Asians instinctively know kung fu.
    • Perhaps the Greek word for legato is Epsilipsilopsiloop.
    • I suppose uri.nl is a bad idea for a domain name.
    • The moon in Herndon on the way to work is much bigger than it ever was in Centreville. I think it has something to do with property taxes.
    • I took a long walk down the beach and discovered that the beach two miles south was also sandy like ours.
    It is implied that the past two years of my life were not all that exciting. Actually discovering which updates these phrases came from is left as an exercise for the reader.

  • They are rewriting the Hardy Boys series for modern kids. Instead of Frank saying, "Come on, I found a swell clue!", Joe will say things like "Cleaning up crime? I'm into it. Cleaning up parrot poop? Not so much". I am not kidding about this . I wish I were. Coming soon from the same publisher, The Lion, The Witch, and the Clothes Closet.

  • Here's a story about women who were disappointed they did not win free boobies . Women should stick with the boobies they already have -- most normal guys who don't live in a strip club will agree that natural boobies are always better than fake boobies. Boobies boobies boobies. Here are some more boobies in the news (Phyliss wants to go to the discotheque ). What do you think about boobies?

  • I am in the portion of the population that does not put noses on their smilies. I think a face like :D is just as effective as :-D. I have been known to give my smilies extra eyes. ::)

  • Three times in the past week, I have mistyped "bridge" instead of "bride". I don't think I have a subconscious fear of brides (yes, I mistyped it just then as well, so maybe I do), although I do think it would be cool, if impractical, to have a mail-order bridge (some assembly required, river not included).

  • I tried a package of Tyson's precooked bacon this week. It requires 20 seconds in the microwave to prepare. No splashing grease, no messy ovens, and minimal clean-up are the perks. And since bacon is the GREATEST PIG MEAT EVER MADE (Disney movie coming soon, starring the pig from Babe), what could be better than instant bacon?

  • The bacon was surprisingly tasty and crispy. The downside was that you only get 9 pieces for the price of a full normal bag of bacon. This means you are paying an additional 70 cents per ounce just for the convenience factor. It is left as an exercise for the reader to decide whether I weighed the bacon on my bathroom scale and calculated this figure, or whether I just read it off the price tag at Shoppers Food Warehouse. HINT: A hungry Booty would mar the scientific accuracy of any scale reading.

  • The URI! Zone may be temporarily inaccessible this weekend as I upload all the new bits, but I'm going to charge cowboy into the Tenth Year of Inanity on Monday, August 1. That is not a Chinese year -- every year is the Year of Inanity around here. Can you believe this site has been around since 1996? My goal of world Uri!nation is not yet complete though. Please invite all your friends to start reading my site so we don't turn into a bunch of bluebloods.

  • You should also post comments regularly, as we have a full complement of posters with interesting things to say now, including, but not limited to, the token Asian, the token black guy, the token liberal, the token conservative, the token guy who likes cheese, the token dog lover, and a majority of cat lovers. We also have between 2 and 5 attractive women posting at any given time. OMG GIRLS USE THE INTERNET!!!

  • These ADD-inducing space-cadet posts are very fun to write. I admit though, that I blatantly stole the style from this blog . Originality is for the weak. I also plan on stealing the "News Highlights" idea from the ChompBlog next week. In exchange for my theft, I will plug their blogs. You should read them religiously, or just sort-of-daily if you are not the pious type.

  • I now have a craving for bacon. Guess what's going into my shopping basket tomorrow morning.

  • Lusty squirrels cause tree damage
    Chelsea Clinton is worth more cows than goats
    Paris Hilton's engagement ring too heavy

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