Monday, October 15, 2018

List Day: 30 Old Facebook Status Messages

I found these status messages from 2011 - 2016 while scrolling through my Activity Log on Facebook, long forgotten since I regularly hide old posts from my Timeline. It is left as an exercise to figure out the month and year they were posted.

  1. You shouldn't be allowed to write a Top 40s song called "Trumpets" and then use synthesizers from the 1980s to represent said trumpets.

  2. Asking me if my parents are home is not a good way to start your door-to-door sales pitch.

  3. If Microsoft Word's "Bullets and Numbering" controls made real bullets, not even the shooter would be safe.

  4. "Casual" is a peculiar name for a dryer setting. Is it reserved for the clothes one might wear out to Chili's?

  5. I call dibs on wrapping all of the rectangular presents with well-defined edges.

  6. Calling it now: The first major DC snowstorm will be dubbed "Edward Snowed In".

  7. "Pressing 4 to send a fax instead of leaving a voicemail sounds like a delightful idea," said no Verizon subscriber ever.

  8. The Y2K bug is more subtle and insidious than expected -- Costco started selling nativity scenes and light-up snowmen today.

  9. Jeff Bezos only purchased The Washington Post to improve Amazon's shipping infrastructure -- the paper's delivery drivers were found to be 88% more accurate than LASERSHIP.

  10. "This Maynard Ferguson album would be greatly improved with more Maynard on it," said no one ever.

  11. There's no reason to keep funding the arts now that we've invented Autotune and MIDI.

  12. The faulty fluorescent light in the men's room has slowed its flickering down from "you deserve some epilepsy today" to "you might be in a slasher film".

  13. Your "I ♥ My Exchange Student" bumper sticker crosses the line of paternal pride into creepiness.

  14. My porch light isn't off because I'm a registered offender -- it's off because I want to eat all of the candy myself in peace, in a dark room at the back of the house. #jumptoconclusionsmat

  15. Facebook has become an apocalyptic wasteland of dogs and babies dressed as stuff!

  16. So is Sandy a boy or a girl?

  17. Candy consumer is a more rewarding role than candy distributor.

  18. There should be a "NEVER, NOW STOP ASKING" option when the gas pump asks if you want a car wash today.

  19. Of course I have an "Earth, Wind, and Fire" Pandora station. You DON'T?

  20. Theme from Halloween + Theme from Doogie Howser, M.D. = Sadly overlooked mashup potential.

  21. Raddatz should conclude this debate with a Bachelor-style Rose Ceremony.

  22. If you clowns had voted for me four years ago, you'd be getting a much better show right now.

  23. Disapprove all you want. Steak fat is DELICIOUS.

  24. "I hope that clicking on this headline will take me to a video of a local news broadcast instead of a written article," said no one ever.

  25. Morgan Freeman is easily the hardest-working athlete in these Olympics.

  26. Why do all of the male Olympic swimmers look like Chris Klein?

  27. Pop & Lock is just a conspiracy to legitimize mimes in modern culture.

  28. No Internet or phone at home, and no stoplights on the Parkway. It's like the apocalypse but with Chick-fila for lunch.

  29. The new "Facebook Timeline" would be cooler if you could customize your page with assorted rainbow colors, fonts, and animations. And maybe an embedded music player that starts streaming Nickelback as soon as you load a page.

  30. Brian Uri is looking for friends via the Tools You May Know tool.

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