Wednesday, April 28, 2010

List Day: Nintendo Games

I'm pretty sure that my childhood system for choosing Nintendo games involved equal parts Voodoo and research, because otherwise it'd be nearly impossible for a gamer such as myself to have more crappy games than good ones. Though 19 total games might seem like a poor showing, it's offset by the fact that I owned EVERY computer game in existence.

  • Hudson's Adventure Island II: A caveman riding a skateboard he found in an egg dies if you forget to feed him or touch ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE GAME. Turned off quickly.

  • Adventures of Tom Sawyer: Tom Sawyer floats down the Mississippi battling giant octopi with his slingshot only to find out it was all a dream. Eventually inspired LOST and Pirates of the Caribbean.

  • The Battle of Olympus: I played this a lot in my Greek mythology fetish phase. Not bad.

  • Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse: In every Castlevania game, the protagonist walks like he's wearing skis and jumps like he's wearing concrete blocks. Turned off quickly.

  • Dragon Warrior: I got this game free with my two-year renewal of the fair and balanced gaming magazine, Nintendo Power. You spend about three months fighting little red slimes and then you hit puberty and get interested in girls.

  • DuckTales: One of the few games I actually beat, since the entire game was beatable in about two hours. Scrooge McDuck bounces around on his pogo cane, knocking enemies off the screen since Disney games can't include death.

  • Final Fantasy: I got all the way to the end of this game, only to realize I'd need to spend another two years leveling my characters up far enough to beat the final boss. Also, no one else accepts the fact that one of the enemies was a humanoid alligator dressed up like a pimp.

  • Life Force: The second Nintendo game we ever owned, and one of two my sister was willing to play.

  • Marble Madness: Get to level 4. Die. Repeat. Kids have amazing attention spans when it comes to video games.

  • Mega Man 4: I don't mind when a game is challenging, but the meta-challenge of everything slowing down when there are too many enemies on the screen is retarded.

  • Milon's Secret Castle: Easily the worst game of all time, Milon runs around in his pajamas blowing bubbles out of his mouth and looking for the elevator.

  • Shadowgate: Want to know why adventure games on consoles are stupid? Because after you beat them you'll never play them again.

  • Startropics: Boy goes to tropical island and fights people with a yo-yo. I actually liked this game quite a bit.

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: I actually don't even remember playing this game EVER.

  • Legend of Zelda: I used to love Zelda games, until they turned into neverending cutscenes.

  • Zelda II: Adventures of Link: This was a game I loved and played the most as a kid. I even orchestrated a version of the dungeon theme when I first bought my Roland SC-8850.

  • Super Mario Bros / Duck Hunt: I guess this game doesn't count since it came with the system. To show how bad I was at console games, I didn't actually beat this game until college.

  • Super Mario Bros 2: I was great at this game, although I was often embarrassed to play as the Princess when my friends were over. Years later, I learned that the female characters always perform better in games.

  • Super Mario Bros 3: I fell victim to the giant marketing craze surrounding this game, and even made my dad come home early from work so we could pick up a reserved copy at Lionel Kiddie City. I never did beat it, although Paige and I made it all the way to the end without warps in the summer of 2000 before her Nintendo decided to turn off.
  • And yes, the games were alphabetized, except in the case of a series, which were ordered separately and numerically. I am an engineer.

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