Friday, December 09, 2005
the best update idea I ever done stoleWould you believe me if I told you that this was the 21st Fragments column I've written? That means that many of you have had nothing better to do than visit diligently for over five months now. Get jobs, slackers. In honor of its 21st edition, I will be taking the column out for drinks and a "(space)bar crawl" tonight. We will subject ourselves to multiple shots of alcohol like old prose and hopefully predicate our night with a few prepositions from sorority chicks.To put this duration in perspective, and to alleviate the recent decline in name dropping, here are some fun times to consider:
Oh shit, fragments within fragments! It's on now. Did I just blow your mind?Reporters on a slow news day think the younger Barbara Bush is engaged because she has some tin-foil-looking thing wrapped around her finger. I'd believe it even if the ring does look like a Cracker Jack prize -- Barbara Bush is hot. We ourselves would be married at this moment, following our torrid love affair in '99, but I didn't want to have Secret Service guys swarming my house at all hours of the day. A guy's got to have his privacy, you know.Denzel Washington recently donated a bunch of money to the hometown of Herman Boone, driver's ed teacher at T.C. Williams, home of Remember the Titans. It has actually been about two years since anyone has brought up that movie when I tell them where I went to high school.When I was a kid spending summers at my grandparents' house in Michigan, my sister and I got a weekly allowance which we could spend on clay statues at the local artisan's shoppe. We would buy them on Sunday and then paint them all week long. The little church I painted (yellow) is still an integral part of the Christmas decorations at my parents' house. Once, I spent my entire allowance on a massive haunted cemetary diorama that looked a lot like Castle Greyskull. I couldn't afford to have it kilned (an extra $5) but I wanted that sculpture so badly that I dismissed all the warnings that the clay was still fragile. As soon as we got home, it shattered and I cried for an hour. My grandparents took me back that same day to get another statue on them. I got a cat and painted it like our old cat, Cindy, who was grey with a white spot on her neck. This cat statue still sits in my basement.I only have one picture of that cat. I have two pictures of our guinea pigs, and one picture of our chameleons. There is no photographic evidence of the two years that I had fishes. To put these numbers in perspective, there are over 700 pictures of Booty and friends alone on this website.They have replaced the speed trap on the Fairfax County Parkway with a big flashing sign that says, "CHECK YOUR SPEED", "50 MEANS 50". This sign is really misleading. I may not have a math degree, but on the Parkway, 50 means 70 unless there are officers present with radar guns. Oh wait, I do have a math degree -- this means that I have expertly proven the sign wrong by contradiction. Maybe the second 50 is in Spanish and 50 is Spanish for 70. Let me put these numbers in perspective for you:Our company holiday party this year is titled, "Black-White-Silver Gala". First, I don't understand why people just can't call them parties anymore. Gala makes it sound like I have to buff up my diamond shoes before I go, and I hate doing that unless I can use my limousine for the entire night. Second, why does the title have to have three colours? Yes, I would like to go to a
- Brian Uri! has been alive for 314 months.
- It has been 113 months since I graduated from high school with Jack Wilmer.
- It has been 90 months since I roomed with Dan Shiplett who was dating a girl at Tech who I had gone to junior high school with who had also dated the guy I mentioned that wrote that I was a jerk in my seventh grade yearbook.
- I have known Anna for 75 months.
- It took Kelley Corbett 74 months to get the hell out of Blacksburg.
- I started working at FGM full-time 30 months ago. I've worked there a total of 39 months though.
- Mike Catania has (surprisingly) not lost interest in updating the Chompblog in 25 months.
- I've been reading Kim's blog for about 12 months but I have only known that I already knew her for 8 months.
- Kathy Biddick lived in my house for 3.5 months.
- Greg and Ian both discovered their name in an entry less than 1 month after I wrote about them, using Google.
partygala with the absence of colour, all colours, and a colour that's somewhere in the middle but more sparkly. Sounds like fun. [The previous thought would be funnier if read by Mitch Hedberg]. Third, why does it need a title? It's a party, not a work of literature, and it's not going to be confused with the "Maroon-Gold" party down the street. Fourth, feel free to be politically correct and not call it a Christmas party, but why does it have to be in January? When I become the CEO of a multinational company which profits from making zippers in second-world sweatshops (because the third-world ones don't have enough zipper teeth to go around), my party is going to be on December 25th and I'm going to call it "Pirates of the Caribbean: Red and Green Party, Ho ho ho mofo". The prefix is there because we saw from the 2004 Oscars that things with colons in the title generally get more awards than their counterparts (see also, Lord of the Rings).I'm going to work from home today because of the snow, which we didn't get much of. However, what we did get is like a trifle -- a layer of ice, an inch of snow, and then a layer of slush packed tightly together. This would probably not be very pleasant to drive through, especially getting out of my neighbourhood. And apparently, there is a ghost lamp which keeps appearing in all the pictures I take today.Once again, I have no major weekend plans although I might go into work one night, so contact me if you would like to get down and get funky, or watch a movie. Have a great weekend! Call your dog The pen is mightier than the sword One passenger rolled down his window, hollered obscenities at Linn and hurled a half-full can of soda before he realized Linn was a trooper.
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