Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Memory Day: Report Cards as a Predictor of Future Success

alternately titled "Squash"

First Grade (Mrs. McClung)

Tragically, my handwriting never did improve, so Mrs. McClung passed away with unresolved wishes, and probably haunts the perpetually-construction-afflicted elementary school where she taught. In addition, never again did I read at an exponential level.

Third Grade (Mrs. Hutt)

He was always a good citizen, except for the time you accused him of stealing a dollar from that other kid and called him a liar, but what else can be expected from a teacher that interchanges adjectives with nouns? Fortunately, today, my scholship is THROUGH THE ROOF!

Fourth Grade (Mrs. Sharkey)

I can't decide whether Mrs. Sharkey really thought I liked steak sauce, or she tried to write "a wonderful", got confused by our lesson on homophones, and had to try again on line two. In any case, I plan to reuse this blurb in its entirety for the movie poster when the movie of my life is released.

Fifth Grade (Mr. Ferris)

This was the year I discovered that you could get out of class by being in the band. My two absences from "physical science" class and rolling balls down inclines warranted a phone call home. I never did like that science teacher, but as penance, I ultimately took a cumulative 3 years of Physics classes, a testament to my unlimited potential (energy).

Sixth Grade (Mrs. Turner)

Even today I make careless mistakes out the ass, since I tend to bring something to completion and then drop it completely (see also, any of my musical compositions). My website updates are often rife with typos and grammatical errors, which is why God invented Rob Kelley.

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