List Day: 4 Major Adjustments Since Having A Kid

1. Massive uptick in having to drive while other people are on the road: After years of traveling everywhere at 5 AM to avoid society, Maia's naps now take me into the thick of congestion. I now embrace what I once referred to as a "Tax on the Entitled Class and People Too Lazy to Wake Up Early Like the Rest of Us" when driving Maia to her grandparents' house. $20 to skip 20 minutes in a 2-mile traffic jam with a toddler in the back? Yes, please.


2. Greatly reduced tolerance for movies and TV shows that are a "slow burn": Every minute of my time where I'm not actively parenting is precious. I'm much more likely to turn off a plot going nowhere fast, a show with 20 minutes of lingering reaction shots and montages, or a show with any subplots involving the dumb teenage children of the protagonist. Had Bloodline come out in the last two years, I would not have made it past the opening credits. Time is money, friend!


3. Significant reduction in preventative maintenance: Before Maia was born, I had so much free time that I was always on top of things like checking tire air pressure, A/C filter replacement, and organization of clutter. Now, even penciling in a recurring task like mowing the lawn or getting a haircut seems like a huge disruption.


4. Reduction in the retention of social knowledge: Taking care of Maia saps a huge chunk of my social energy, such that when I am at a party or conversing with real adults, I struggle to retain even half of what was discussed in my long-term memory. Usually it's all forgotten by the time we're driving home and I'm narrating all of my street turns in an impressive attempt to keep her awake in the backseat 5 minutes before bedtime.