Fix-it Friday

quick fixes for the world's overrated problems

The Problem: US hospitals report an alarming increase in superbugs, which are highly resistant or even immune to antibiotics. After the tipping point, it may become more dangerous to check into a hospital than it would be to stay home with some Robitussin.

The Solution: Rezone and colocate hospitals onto shared campuses with Chuck E. Cheese restaurants.

The Justification:

• The mucous-like layer of food coating every surface of the restaurant will prove irresistible to superbugs currently residing in the sterile halls of a hospital. Once enticed, superbugs will be overwhelmed by the nearly visible fog of germs from children of all creeds and colors, hanging in the air like damp laundry.


• Superbugs may have twelve-stepped their way past the siren call of drugs, but they are no match for the wildly variable bacteria carefully cultured in the ball pit. Kid bacteria is triply reinforced by the repeatable circuit of a kid's hand between their nose, their mouth, and their butts, sometimes in alternate orders. The bacteria of a nose-mouth-butt hand has found safe haven in the restaurant, and crossbred with bacteria from mouth-nose-butt hands and, in rare cases, butt-butt-butt hands.


• There is already 1 Chuck E. Cheese restaurant for every 10 registered hospitals in the US, so new construction costs would be palatable.