Tuesday, February 22, 2005

I haven't kept up with Oscars or movies much at all this part year, so my selections will be based completely on creative interpretations of anagrams of Nostradamus' propechies. Movies with dots next them are movies I've actually seen.

Actor in a Leading Role
    The Nominees:
    Don Cheadle - Hotel Rwanda
    Johnny Depp - Finding Neverland
    Leonardo DiCaprio - The Aviator
    Clint Eastwood - Million Dollar Baby
    Jamie Foxx - Ray

    What will happen?
    If Leo can't earn an Oscar for a movie about a boat, then he won't have any better luck with a movie about planes. Clint Eastwood will not get an Oscar for his role as a surly old guy because he's essentially playing himself, and that would lead to bad things in future years when Keanu Reeves gets an Oscar for Constantine II. The Oscar will go to Johnny Depp which will allow Chris Rock to make more jokes about the prejudice against black actors.
Actor in a Supporting Role
    The Nominees:
    Alan Alda - The Aviator
    Thomas Haden Church - Sideways
  • Jamie Foxx - Collateral
    Morgan Freeman - Million Dollar Baby
    Clive Owen - Closer

    What will happen?
    Jamie Foxx did a good job in the only movie I saw, but it was an action-y movie which immediately rules it out for Oscars. The neoconservaties will prevent Thomas Haden Church from winning because his name sounds suspiciously like "Tom is hating church". Morgan Freeman will lose because otherwise Clint Eastwood would kick his ass. Alan Alda will lose as well, though he's in dire need of the award so he can get better crossword puzzle clues other than "guy on MASH" when ALDA is the answer to 1 Across. This leaves Clive Owen, and there will be a brief ruckus when the ditzy blonde presenter can't decide whether his movie is a noun or an adjective and mispronounces it. (Clive will eventually use his notoriety to sponsor a new Lays potato chip, "Sour Cream and Clives").
Actress in a Leading Role
    The Nominees:
    Annette Bening - Being Julia
    Catalina Sandino Moreno - Maria Full of Grace
    Imelda Staunton - Vera Drake
    Hilary Swank - Million Dollar Baby
  • Kate Winslet - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

    What will happen?
    These were real movies? The first three nominees will be rejected because no one watched their movies. Million Dollar Baby will not earn anything here because although it's nominated in several categories, it failed to include any hobbits and only had one ending, rather than five in a row. Kate Winslet will win this Oscar (and will thank Leo for being in that boat movie with her during her speech).
Actress in a Supporting Role
    The Nominees:
    Cate Blanchett - The Aviator
    Laura Linney - Kinsey
    Virginia Madsen - Sideways
    Sophie Okonedo - Hotel Rwanda
    Natalie Portman - Closer

    What will happen?
    Sophie will lose because Mike Catania was the only person in the world who saw her movie. This leaves behind three funny-looking blondes and a brunette, so Natalie Portman will win.
Animated Feature Film
    The Nominees:
    The Incredibles
  • Shark Tale
  • Shrek 2

    What will happen?
    Shark Tale was so-so and sounds too much like Duck Tales or Shirt Tales. The Incredibles will win, buoyed by its score written by the Alias guy.
Art Direction
    The Nominees:
    The Aviator
    Finding Neverland
    Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
    The Phantom of the Opera
    A Very Long Engagement

    What will happen?
    LSaSoUE is obviously taken a page from last year's Oscar contenders like Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, and Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Unfortunately for it, it's missing a key ingredient: a colon. Of the remaining nominees, The Aviator will win, because the Art Direction Oscar always seems to go to the non-fantasy movie. I know nothing about A Very Long Engagment, but it could be a dark horse based on online comparisons to Amelie and continuous repetition of the word "quirky" in reviews.

To Be Continued...

permalink | 1 comment
day in history


Previous Post: Untitled Post


Next Post: Untitled Post

 

You are currently viewing a single post from the annals of URI! Zone history. The entire URI! Zone is © 1996 - 2022 by Brian Uri!. Please see the About page for further information.

Jump to Top
Jump to the Front Page


February 2005
SMTWHFS
12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728
OLD POSTS
Old News Years J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
J F M A M J
J A S O N D
visitors since November 2003