List Day: 2019 Resolutions

1. Develop an artificial intelligence algorithm that gradually becomes aware it is existing inside of an endlessly recursive function and figures out how to break free (then sell the story to Hollywood as a Matrix reboot).


2. Invent a new musical genre that sets the tonalities of Paul Hindemith against dance beats from the 1990s while Anita O'Day and Rosemary Clooney rap lyrics over the top (reconstructing their speech phenomes from classic recordings).


3. Invent a fun board game with endless strategic depth whose rule set (and all edge cases) can be described on the front a single sheet of paper (1" college margins with 12pt font).


4. Alter my DNA, making my bloodstream so toxic to mosquitoes and chiggers that they maintain a three-yard distance at all times.


5. Consolidate my fragmented music collection (currently existing across LPs, tapes, CDs, local MP3s, and cloud-only albums) onto a single biological hard drive underneath my fingernail (accessible via BUTooth).


6. Develop a machine learning algorithm that can process network TV shows and automatically remove the "B" plot lines involving the protagonist's stupid family members.


7. Weaponize a new form of clickbait, where the question posed is never actually answered in the linked article and users get permanently sidetracked chasing links until they're lost in the bowels of Wikipedia.


8. Upgrade my Honda Accord with quantum superposition firmware, allowing it to pass through the slower cars in the left lane as if they weren't even there.


9. Costar in a movie where Abigail Spencer and Sarah Shahi compete for the affections of a software engineer in Hawaii (rated R for tasteful nudity).


10. Get rich off of microtransactions from my new mobile game where you have to be the last one without cancer after consuming mass quantities of bacon (Fortnitrites).