Friday, February 21, 2014

List Day: 10 Ways To Increase Winter Olympics Viewership

  1. All of the figure skating routines must occur simultaneously, with a new technical scoring category for collision avoidance.

  2. Each day of coverage must have a completely fresh set of commercials.

  3. During speedskating, a wildcard polar bear must be set loose on the ice.

  4. In biathlon, the rifle shooting range must revolve. It points at the slower competitors until half of the racers have shot, and then revolves 180 degrees up the course so that surviving slowpokes can wing the people in the lead.

  5. In a similar vein, all events in which people race simultaneously must include Mario Kart turtle shells to be thrown at competitors. Red and green only -- blue shells are retarded.

  6. Olympic interviews must follow the format of the game, "Whose Line?" from the show, Whose Line Is It Anyways?, in which the athlete answers questions by reading innuendo-laced lines off of pieces of paper in their pockets, written before the event by the spectators.

  7. In events with complex mathematical scoring systems, judges must show their work or risk not being counted. There is no partial credit.

  8. The Skeleton event must be rebranded with a more exciting name that more aptly describes what goes on, like "Quadriplegic Bullet". Bonus points if the new name can be used as a the name of a band.

  9. All halfpipe events must begin with double the starting velocity, by ejecting the athletes out of a pneumatic slingshot.

  10. Summer Olympians, especially Michael Phelps, must participate in an exhibition round of figure skating.

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