Sunday, March 23, 2003

"I don't feel it makes the song any better - the grammar in it is very bad." - Randy Newman, on his award for best original song in Monster's Inc

It's time for round two of the URI! Domain's Horribly Uneducated Picks for the Oscars?! I've seen even fewer movies this year than I did last year at this time, so I created a cardboard partition with two dimensional effigies of various stars and placed it in Booty's litter box. The ones she pooped on are all obvious winners, while the one time she pooped in the corner signifies a wildcard pick later in the ceremony. Send me your picks or complaints using the mail button above this news update.


Best performance by an actor in a leading role

    The Nominees:
    Adrien Brody in The Pianist
    Nicolas Cage in Adaptation
    Michael Caine in The Quiet American
    Daniel Day-Lewis in Gangs Of New York
    Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt

    What will happen?
    I haven't seen any of the movies in this category, so I'll go with Nicholas Cage, since he apparently played two roles in his movie. No one watched Quiet American and Daniel Day-Lewis has a hyphen in his name. Obvious losers.
Best performance by an actor in a supporting role
    The Nominees:
    Chris Cooper in Adaptation
    Ed Harris in The Hours
    Paul Newman in Road to Perdition
  • John C. Reilly in Chicago
    Christopher Walken in Catch Me If You Can

    What will happen?
    John C. Reilly was good in Chicago, but he played close to the same role in Good Girl. and did a better job. You can't go wrong with Ed Harris so that's where I'll put my money.
Best performance by an actress in a leading role
    The Nominees:
    Salma Hayek in Frida
    Nicole Kidman in The Hours
    Diane Lane in Unfaithful
    Julianne Moore in Far From Heaven
  • Renée Zellweger in Chicago

    What will happen?
    Salma Hayek can't act and does horribly in roles that require dialogue. I'll go with Nicole Kidman since she does a lot of good movies and deserves some recognition.
Best performance by an actress in a supporting role
    The Nominees:
    Kathy Bates in About Schmidt
    Julianne Moore in The Hours
    Queen Latifah in ChicagoMeryl Streep in Adaptation
  • Catherine Zeta-Jones in Chicago

    What will happen?
    Julianne Moore's rubbed me the wrong way ever since she was in the horrible Magnolia and I think this race will be between Kathy Bates and Meryl Streep. The ladies of Chicago did a lot of singing and dancing, but it's not really that hard to act campy. I'll go with Meryl Streep since she's old and recognized.
Best animated feature film of the year
    The Nominees:
    Ice Age
    Lilo & Stitch
    Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron
    Spirited Away
    Treasure Planet

    What will happen?
    Treasure Planet only got on the ballot because five movies were required so it won't even be considered. The one about the horse sounds like a commercial for gum or crayons or both, and its similarity in title to Spirited Away will drag them both down. The award will go to Ice Age because the characters don't look like rabid koalas.
Achievement in art direction
    The Nominees:
  • Chicago
    Frida
    Gangs of New York
  • The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers
    Road to Perdition

    What will happen?
    I just saw Chicago this afternoon, and it was very artsy, but I think this award will go to LotR, because it doesn't have many categories this year. Really though, it's not like they created New Zealand from scratch.
Achievement in cinematography
    The Nominees:
  • Chicago
    Far from Heaven
    Gangs of New York
    The Pianist
    Road to Perdition

    What will happen?
    Chicago will take this category because fade-outs into fantasy world where people sing and dance are always hip.
Achievement in costume design
    The Nominees:
  • Chicago
    Frida
    Gangs of New York
    The Hours
    The Pianist

    What will happen?
    Again, Chicago will win here with its 1920s flapper outfits. Gangs, the only serious contender looks too much like a Childrens' Illustrated Classic of New York.
Achievement in directing
    The Nominees:
  • Chicago
    Gangs of New York
    The Hours
    The Pianist
    Talk to Her

    What will happen?
    Gangs will win here, because it's Martin Scorcese's magnum opus even if it did supposedly suck.
Best documentary feature
    The Nominees:
    Bowling for Columbine
    Daughter from Danang
    Prisoner of Paradise
    Spellbound
    Winged Migration

    What will happen?
    I've heard good things about Bowling for Columbine so I'll pick it. Daughter is tempting because it almost sounds like offensive slang, but will lose because of its alliteration (like Prisoner).
Best documentary short subject
    The Nominees:
    The Collector of Bedford Street
    Mighty Times: The Legacy of Rosa Parks
    Twin Towers
    Why Can't We Be a Family Again?

    What will happen?
    Unless Mighty Times features Rosa Parks in a cape with Andy Kaufmann singing her theme song, it will lose. Why Can't We Be a Family Again? suffers from question syndrome, so the award will go to Collector of Bedford Street. Anyone who can collect a whole street is pretty cool in my book.
Achievement in film editing
    The Nominees:
    Chicago
    Gangs of New York
    The Hours
  • The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers
    The Pianist

    What will happen?
    The only way you can tell which films were editing well is by how many scenes suck. Gangs will lose, therefore, and LotR will lose because they didn't cut a single scene. The finalists will be Chicago and The Hours, and The Hours will win by a nose. (LOLZ)
Best foreign language film of the year
    The Nominees:
    El Crimen Del Padre Amaro
    Hero
    The Man Without a Past
    Nowhere in Africa
    Zus & Zo

    What will happen?
    I'd choose either the first or the last, with Zus & Zo being the best title ever. El Crimen Del Padre Amaro will win, because this is a foreign language category and it sure looks foreign.
Achievement in makeup
    The Nominees:
    Frida
    The Time Machine

    What will happen?
    They cared so little about this category that they only nominated two movies. Frida will win because it isn't a remake and it's almost Friday.
Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)
    The Nominees:
    Catch Me If You Can - John Williams
    Far from Heaven - Elmer Bernstein
    Frida - Elliot Goldenthal
    The Hours - Philip Glass
    Road to Perdition - Thomas Newman

    What will happen?
    John Williams and Thomas Newman won't win. I'll put my money on Philip Glass because I want to see him go up and say something wacky. Plus it will give Dr. Spencer more ammunition for his arsenal in future classes.
Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
    The Nominees:
    Burn It Blue by Elliot Goldenthal from Frida
    Father and Daughter by Paul Simon from The Wild Thornberrys Movie
    The Hands That Built America by Bono et al from Gangs of New York
  • I Move On by Kander/Ebb from Chicago
  • Lose Yourself by Eminem from 8 Mile

    What will happen?
    There were so many songs in Chicago that I don't even remember this one. Lose Yourself is a great song, but it's rap. People seem to like the feel-good buddy songs anyhow, so Paul Simon will win here.
Best motion picture of the year
    The Nominees:
  • Chicago
    Gangs of New York
    The Hours
  • The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers
    The Pianist

    What will happen?
    Granted, I haven't seen all of these movies, but none of them seem grand and good enough to warrant Best Picture. Gangs will suffer from the backlash of its newspaper ad which was against Oscar rules. LotR won't win because they'll want to save up for next year when the final segment takes all the awards in a Titanic fit of rage (LOLZ). The final call will be between The Hours and The Pianist and The Pianist will be the final winner. It almost sounds like 'penis' so it's chock full of wonderful joke ideas.
Best animated short film
    The Nominees:
    The Cathedral
    The Chubbchubbs!
    Das Rad
  • Mike's New Car
    Mt. Head

    What will happen?
    Mike's New Car was cute but unmemorable. Normally I'd choose The Chubbchubbs! because you can never go wrong with an exclamation point! However, Mt. Head will win. What a winning title for everyone involved.
Best live action short film
    The Nominees:
    Fait d'Hiver
    J'Attendrai Le Suivant?
    Inja (Dog)
    Johnny Flynton
    Der er en Yndig Mand (This Charming Man)

    What will happen?
    I'm going to choose Inja (Dog) because it's almost like Ninja Dog. The last one won't win because Booty could type better words on a keyboard with her ass.
Achievement in sound
    The Nominees:
  • Chicago
    Gangs of New York
  • The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers
    Road to Perdition
  • Spider-Man

    What will happen?
    I'm sure the spiders sounded very true to life, but this award will go to LotR for massive scope of the battle scenes.
Achievement in sound editing
    The Nominees:
  • The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers
  • Minority Report
  • Road to Perdition

    What will happen?
    Are you still reading this tripe? Minority Report will win here because it can be anagrammed as METRO TRIP IRONY which also describes one of the scenes in the movie.
Achievement in visual effects
    The Nominees:
  • The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers
    Spider-Man
    Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

    What will happen?
    The effects in Spider-Man sucked, although they did a passable job at giving Kirsten Dunst tight shirts whenever it rained. Though LotR probably deserves the award, Star Wars will actually win because of its innovative digital filming hooplah.
Adapted screenplay
    The Nominees:
    About a Boy
    Adaptation
  • Chicago
    The Hours
    The Pianist

    What will happen?
    Let's go with Chicago here. We won't get to see this award anyhow, since ABC will cut away to show a missile shooting off of a ship in the Red Sea.
Original screenplay
    The Nominees:
    Far from Heaven
    Gangs of New York
    My Big Fat Greek Wedding
    Talk to Her
    Y Tu Mam? También

    What will happen?
    I presume that the last film translates as Your momma is shaped like a tamborine which ranks up there with My Big Fat Greerk Wedding on the list of "titles that Oscars voters will label as blue-collar". Far from Heaven will win because that's the one Booty pooped on.
The Razzies single out the worst achievements in film.

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