Newsday Tuesday

Mama's milk ice cream cone, anyone?

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is asking [Ben & Jerry's] to begin using breast milk in its products instead of cow's milk, saying it would reduce the suffering of cows and calves and give ice cream lovers a healthier product.

Old readers might also remember the time PETA tried to convince the Boy Scouts to ban the Fishing merit badge because it results in mutilated fish who are in tremendous amounts of pain. That campaign fell apart when it was discovered that the interviewed fish was "just a little emo" and a cutter. (Soon after, the Boy Scouts of America reaffirmed their patriotic mandate to only ban gays and heathens).

"If Ben and Jerry's replaced the cow's milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers - and cows - would reap the benefits," wrote Tracy Reiman, executive vice president of the animal rights advocacy group. She said dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies and obesity.

In rebuttal, the dairy industry notes that their products are also linked to such deliciousness as Velveeta Shells and Cheese and instant mashed potatoes, while human breast milk is "kind of like pee from a different hole". Industry experts also noted the inherent hilarity of "dairy farts" and making fun of lactose-intolerant people, speculating that the world would not be as amusing without milk.

"We're aware this idea is somewhat absurd, and that putting it into practice is a stretch. At the [same time], it's pretty absurd for us to be drinking the milk of cows," [the campaign coordinator] said.

By conceding that this is not exactly the breast solution to the problem, PETA has once again shown that it cares less about the protection of animals and more about generating worldwide publicity to the fact that they're ape-shit (and/or) bat-shit insane.

As a standardized product under federal regulations, ice cream must be made with milk from healthy cows. Ice cream made from goat's milk, for example, would have to be labeled as such. Presumably, so would mother's milk ice cream.

Descendants of Robert Klark Graham have already submitted a labelling system that would identify the ice cream made from blond-haired blue-eyed donors. They suggested the name, Nordic Tracks, but are currently entangled in trademark disputes.

To Ben & Jerry's, the idea is udderly ridiculous.

Dear Associated Press, please stick to the news and leave the funny to me. Thank you.

Then there's the question of who would provide the milk, and whether they'd be paid. ". . . There's a population of women very willing to share their milk. Whether there's enough to do it for a commercial entity, who can say?"

PETA suggests that milk selling would be a good way for a poor family to make it to payday, or for an elderly relative who requires a caretaker to contribute to expenses. First though, the stigma of the phrase, "putting grandma out to pasture", would have to be removed. Until then, this idea faces a rocky road to acceptance.

Jen Wahlbrink, 34, of Phoenix, who breast-fed her 11-month-old son, Cameron, said she wouldn't touch ice cream made from mother's milk. "The (breast) pumps just weren't that much fun. You really do feel like a cow," she said, cradling her son in her hands.

In response, the FOX network has stated that they are developing a reality show called Breast Pumps Are Fun!! as a midseason replacement in 2009, in which new mothers would try to shoot tin cans or fill giant saucers with their breast milk. It could not be determined at press time if the idea had already been done in Japan.

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