Thursday, April 07, 2011

List Day: 10 Easy, Popular Ways to Avert a Catastrophic Government Shutdown

  1. Increase corporate income taxes by $1.1 trillion dollars.

  2. Embark on a Five Year Plan to completely pillage Alaska's natural beauty for resources, and then regift the Goldrushed husk of a state to Canada. All it does is mess up map symmetry.

  3. Apply an EZPass-style tax whenever an SUV is driven more than 0.2 miles with less than 3 people in it.

  4. Force Amazon to collect sales taxes.

  5. Convert to a bicamelal legislature, where budgets are approved through the preference of two camels, and then rub one of the proposed budgets with date preserves.

  6. Completely abolish Social Security for anyone turning 65 in 2042 or beyond. Thirty years should be plenty of advance notice to up your IRA contributions.

  7. Consolidate most of the red states into three new states, Montidahwyutizona, Dakotabraskansas, and Biblebeltasaurus, reducing the number of possible dissenting votes in both the House and Senate. Dissent has no place in a democracy.

  8. Add lead, pufferfish venom, and nicotine to most foodstuffs, bringing the national life expectancy down to a more manageable 40 or 50 and eliminating the need for Medicare.

  9. End all combat on foreign soil, and privatize US defense to Southern rednecks (service is strictly BYOG). Completely end all defense spending, except for Department of Defense Metadata Registries and any cool research involving night vision or invisibility.

  10. Increase funding for the arts and legalize recreational drugs, because weed-smoking hippies are more likely to jam on the guitar than rob a bank, thus, decreasing future prison populations.

Please contact your representative today with these BU-tiful suggestions.

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